Somewhere Down the Road

My purpose for blogging is therapy. It started after my cancer diagnosis and has not stopped since. Whenever I get overwhelmed or when feelings threaten I let my fingers go on the keyboard. The past couple weeks have been wrought with emotion, confusion and a sense of uneasiness. I know the cause, but I did not know exactly what to do about it.

I find that as I get older, I am more aware of rhythms in my life. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries all seem to hold more meaning for me lately in good and bad ways. So, as April 27th approached, I could feel my emotional state heightened. The anniversary of the discovery of my husband's affair. Mixed feelings threatened. Two years has passed, but it doesn't really feel like it sometimes. I still struggle with confusion about how I should feel, how I should act, and what steps I should take next. I was feeling as though I needed to take some kind of action, reach out maybe. I hate the feeling of the unknown. I don't like when I don't know what is going to happen next, nobody does really. It infringes upon our sense of control, and it screams the fact that we are not in control. I kept thinking about the word humility. Humility, really God? Why, I thought should I have to humble myself?

With an obedient heart I responded to His leading and reached out to my husband. And then there was freedom! Those pesky emotions that were bearing down were gone in an instant. There was a relief. My husband's response, although respectful and gentle, was still the same as it had been two years earlier, his position has not changed.

I still don't know what the future holds, but each time God speaks to me, and I obey, there is a richer sense somewhere deep within that it really will be okay.

I heard a song the other day; a blast from the past, with an extremely relevant message. God used it to minister to me that day, a healing balm on my raw emotional state.

Somewhere Down the Road 

So much pain and no good reason why
You've cried until the tears run dry
And nothing else can make you understand
The one thing that you held so dear
Is slipping from your hand
And you say

Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say

Somewhere down the road
There'll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Tho' we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road

Yesterday I thought I'd seen it all
I thought I'd climbed the highest wall
Now I see the learning never ends
And all I know to do is keep on walking
Walking 'round the bend singing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyyT7FRkTSs

If you are wondering what your future looks like, rest assured that your Heavenly Father knows, and He is walking with you every step of the way and with every tear, fear, and trouble, He is wrapping His mighty arms around you. Walk with Him!

Revenge is a dish best served never

I read a book called "Revenge of a Middle Aged Woman." It is a story about a forty something woman whose forty something husband tells her that he is having an affair with a twenty something woman he works with (sound familiar?). To top it off, this twenty something happens to be the wife's protegee and friend, ouch! The revenge in the story comes when the husband slowly comes to the conclusion that maybe he has made a mistake at exactly the same time his new woman finds out she is pregnant with twins. While the book had some funny antidotes, overall I found it to be very, very sad all the way around. I don't find any comfort or joy in revenge, especially when this so called revenge would impact the lives of so many. As I still grapple with my own story and frequently don't know what to do next or even how to feel sometimes, revenge isn't something that I have ever aspired toward. Our church is doing a 9 week series on marriage. 9 weeks! And, although I feel that the topic of marriage is of the utmost importance in the church, sometimes it is hard to sit through when you are in a state of being "not quite single." Today, for example, I watched online because we had family in from out of town, the pastor asked everyone who was married to stand up. I was glad to be watching from the comfort of my back yard so I didn't have to face that dilemma in front of hundreds of others. I have been in prayer about what to do during this 9 weeks time. My first thought was to leave the country for nine weeks and come back when it was all over, but, well, that just wasn't feasible at all. Next, I prayed and talked with God about attending elsewhere on Sunday mornings during this season, and last week that's what I did. I have a friend who is a pastor of a church here in Modesto and I worshipped there last week. God spoke as I knew He would. Since I was going to be home this week I thought the least I could do was watch online, and I was encouraged and discouraged. There have been so many broken marriages in our congregation recently that I am encouraged that our leadership is making marriage such a high priority, but it is also hard to hear from the point of view of one of those marriages that has failed. He shared many points about how to make your marriage great and I would like to consider these but then remember that there is a third party involved, and, well, that complicates things quite a bit. As I move forward each day, I will continue to rest in the hands of my Heavenly Father as I try and be the best "not quite single" I can be.

Clouded Joy

"To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning." Isaiah 61:3 This verse was aptly in my inbox this morning as an "encouraging" word. It was an encouraging word. I have had such a long stretch of joyous blessing that I was taken back a bit when I hit a wall of, well we'll just call it a funk. For the last two and a half days I have been in this funk, no energy, feeling negative and lonely. I didn't even want to get out of bed to go to church this morning and that is not me. As the time for church arrived, I decided that I should listen online. Anyone who has ever been in a moment like this knows that you fair better when you actually do get up, move around, do something, but you are battling inside yourself between what you know and how you feel. I made a compromise. I started watching in bed. Following the first song I did get up. I ate something and baked some muffins all the while listening online. I started to feel a little better, I knew I would. Rick's message points today: 1. Never give up. 2. Never give up. 3. Never give up. Hmm, interesting. Nehemiah never gave up, he wasn't side tracked, he knew what had to be done and he kept on it. This is what I want to do. I don't want to let this moment of yuckyness diswade me from my goals to live a joy filled life in Christ and to follow Him. I realize that my struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the enemy. So, as The service ended, I prayed. Father, please take away this veil that is clouding my joy and fill me with You. As I looked at the blank computer screen again I struggled with the thought that writing down my feelings could be cathartic but feeling like I don't really want to. The sun has started to break through the clouds outside and everything is brighter, and as I wrap up this post, I feel that The Lord has pierced the veil over me. I feel His light breaking through. I don't know if this is the end, but I know that He is faithful and even if this lasts a while longer, He is with me and He wants to turn my mourning to gladness. And, to finish Isaiah 61:3 "A garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

What's your status?

We had a married life event at our church last night. I didn't go to it. We will have a single life event there tonight.I won't go to that either. I'm still in that space in between. I have been forced to pick a status a few times recently on new doctor's office forms, applications, and even my grad school admissions. I still don't really know which to choose. Yesterday was the first time I was given the option "separated" so I took it. I felt like it was a step forward at least mentally. Over the past couple years I have met several woman who are on different spots of this married to divorced spectrum. Each has a story to tell. I know a couple women who have been separated for many years and barring their husbands filing, will probably never be divorced. I know a couple like me who are in that limbo of haven't yet decided whether or not to make that move ourselves or leave things be. And, I also know several women who went straight to divorce. It's such a personal decision, and I am learning that no one can really tell you which path to take. In the beginning I found myself making so many judgements about the decisions of others, but quickly realized that I had no right to make those judgements. God's Word is clear about divorce and the circumstances surrounding a believer's right to divorce. What isn't so clear is whether one should take advantage of those freedoms is a personal choice, and one that we should not judge. For now, I, personally, am content to be "not quite single".

Waiting on God

So, I'm reading a book by Priscilla Shrier called Discerning the Voice of God. She tells a story of a friend who is "experiencing God in a circumstance that seems about as hopeless as it possibly could." Oh, how I can relate to this. I have experienced God in a remarkable way through this set of seemingly hopeless circumstances, and yet I have found an immense amount of joy through the journey. She goes on to say, "If ever there was an innocent party in a divorce proceeding, she would qualify as one. Her husband, the last person in the world you'd anticipate being unfaithful to his wife, has followed one of Satan's favorite, most predictable lies-the illusion of adulterous satisfaction." Hmm, sound familiar? She writes, "Marcia, of course, has ample biblical grounds  to see it end, and she admits having days when she looks forward to being free of it all." I wish I could meet this woman because I think we would have a lot to talk about. The next paragraph is what really caught my attention. "Lately, as she pours her heart to God and listens for His response, He's been leading her to do something she's not really interested in doing. He's confirming that His will for her during this heart-wrenching season of life is to keep praying for her husband, believing for his return to their home and family." Wow, wow, and double wow. I can relate in part. I have felt very clearly that God wants me to continue praying for my husband, and I do often, but my prayers have been mostly for him to repent and return to God, to be convicted of his sin and to start walking with God, not necessarily to return to me. The reason why I want this is because he is still the father of my children, and I want my kids to have a dad that they can respect and look to as an example to follow, not an example of what not to do. I have received lots of advice from many well intentioned friends and acquaintances. I have been clearly given evidence from scripture that I can biblically and legally dissolve my marriage. I have been asked when I am going to file for divorce, and asked what am I waiting for. Well, I will answer that question in a word, God, that's what I'm waiting for. Like Marcia, I have not felt released from this marriage as of yet, and I don't presume to go before God and the plans He has for my life. Priscilla includes a quote from Marcia at the end of the story, she says, "I know if I keep on praying for him, not just wiping my hands of him, I will get to experience God in a way I never have before and may never have an opportunity to do so otherwise." Well said Marcia! I know that I can't go wrong being patient and waiting for direction from God. I know that this is counter to the way society thinks I should handle things and even some in the church, but I'm okay with that. The end may still be divorce in time, but at least I will know that I did everything that God asked me to do and followed Him along the way, and right now that is my first and only concern. I'm praising God through the storm!

Mercy triumphs over judgement

So, I just finished reading The Furious Longing of God, by Brennan Manning, and he had one thought in particular that has stuck with me.

"Is there a Zacchaeus in you life? Somebody that every body's given up on? Judged incapable of any further good? Grandaunt, distant cousin, spouse, former spouse, in-law, member of your church, neighbor on your street, colleague at work? Someone of whom you've said, "I've been wasting my time trying to make you understand anything. You are incorrigible. Thanks God, I'm quits and free of you. Don't you ever dare to darken my door again"? You probably wouldn't say that because that's cruel. I don't like to say cruel things either. They make me feel guilty and I don't want to feel guilty. So, I play it smooth; I call it cool cordiality and polite indifference. Good morning, you dork. In the churches across our land, we allow this garbage to masquerade as the love of Jesus."

I read this and I reread this. I thought, can he read my mind? This is exactly how I've felt about Daniel, my husband. But, what is this man trying to say? It sounds like he is saying that I need to love my husband who is not quite my husband anymore with the love of Christ. Manning goes on to say:

"Jesus said you are to love one another as I have loved you, a love that will possibly lead to the bloody, anguished gift of yourself; a love that forgives seventy times seven, that keeps no score of wrongdoing. Jesus said this, this love, is the one criterion, the sole norm, the standard of discipleship in the New Israel of God. He said you're going to be identified as His by one sign only: the deep and delicate respect for one another, the cordial love impregnated with reverence for the sacred dimension of the human personality because of the mysterious substitution of Christ for the Christian."

What an awesome and significant challenge: Love those who are hard to love, Love those who have hurt you, Love those who everybody else has given up on, Love those, with the same love that Christ has loved us with. I'm going to tell you that this is not easy. It goes against our human nature. Our you-hurt-me-I-hurt-you nature. Our I'll-just-wash-my-hands-of-you nature. But, that's the point isn't it? When we submit our lives to Christ, we take on His nature. We die to self.

The question I ask myself with my current situation in mind is: How does this play itself out practically? How do I love my estranged husband with the love of Christ? Since I accepted Manning's challenge to not be that cordially cool or polite indifferent person, situations have come up where I have been able to practice that love in action. My fear about showing love or mercy was that I would get hurt, that it would be me letting my guard down too much, that it would be me letting my husband get away with something (like it was my job to make sure he didn't forget what he'd done). What I have found instead is peace, contentment, and joy, when I have responded with love rather than cool indifference. I don't want to been known as the woman who was able to be cordial or polite in the midst of a difficult situation, I want to be know as a woman who shows the love of Christ, no matter what the situation.

Happy? Anniversary

Twenty-one years ago today I got married. Thinking back over the events of the past couple years the question arises in my mind, did I make a mistake way back when? As I think back over my life as a married woman, I have to respond with a resounding NO! It wasn't easy, don't get me wrong, but the blessings in my life have far outweighed the difficulties. God finds a way to use any situation for our good and for His glory, especially the circumstances we get ourselves in to by our own will. Two things I see in my life that I would not have if it were not for my marriage. The first, I would not have my four wonderful children. What a blessing they have been in my life. My favorite roll in life thus far has been being the mother of Danielle, Joshua, Robin, and JoJo. The second, is the close relationship that I have developed with Christ. I don't know if it were not for the difficulties I have experienced through my marriage, if I would have developed such a precious relationship with Him. So, in that way, I have been thankful for the years of difficulty. As my anniversary comes and goes I thank God for the way He has helped me see the best of the last 21 years, and I look forward to a new season as a single person, and to what awesome things He has for me there as well.