Silver Linings

"God works all things for your good," "This is going to make you stronger," "God never wastes a hurt," "All things happen for a reason," and the list of platitudes could go on and on. I am not saying that these are not true, but sometimes when you have just endured a trial, struggle, or hurt, these don't exactly bring you comfort.

These are the truths that you see much further down the road. After you have worked through some of the pain and heartache, when you have been given comfort, and you can look back and see things from another perspective, that is when these sentiments come to life.

There are so many things that are different in my life now that were not my reality 5 years ago, and today some of the above statements came to life for me.

In January I was able to quit my job of 23 years to devote more time to my other two jobs. The two jobs that I have are a direct result of some difficult things in my life. One job is working with cancer patients, and the other working with women in crisis pregnancies. Both are so rewarding, and neither-I do believe-would I be doing if it had not been for crisis in my own life. God did use those things for my good, He did make me stronger.

This weekend I was brought to tears on a couple of occasions. God allowed me to witness first hand answered prayer in a clients life and it was amazing, a transformation right before my very eyes. He is so good. He gives mercy and grace, and He fills us with joy that cannot be explained. As I witnessed answered prayer, I realized what a blessing my job is as I get to see lives transformed. Wow!

I can now say, thank you God for shattered dreams. He shattered my dreams of what I thought my life was going to be, so that He could give me new and improved hopes and dreams. This has required a lot of change, and who really likes change? It is painful, unpredictable, and uncomfortable. I don't know what is around the corner, and that is scary at times, but I do know I am in His hands, and even in the uncertainty, there is no other place I would rather be.

Battling Cockroaches of the Mind

We have lived in our house for almost 19 years and I have only seen these awful sewer roaches once, dead in our front yard. This year, maybe because of the drought, I don’t know, but I have seen them more than I care to admit. (Here is where you may want to stop reading) Recently these hideous creatures have made their way in to our garage, and because we have two cats who utilize their litter box in the garage, and because we leave the garage door ajar for said cats, they have made their way into our house. Can you say eeewww?!! We have found a handful of these 1 ½-2 inch invaders in our home. Luckily we have two cats and two dogs who finally got off their duff, started doing something productive and alerted us to these unwanted intruders. Once we discovered their invasion and did some research on how to kill them-other than swatting them with a broom in a panicked frenzy-I went to the store to buy the remedy. Just a side note; when you hear your 2o year old son yelling out to you at 11:30 at night in a troubled voice because there is a rogue 2 inch roach running around his room, you wish there were a husband lying next to you to respond instead of you, just sayin. Now on with my story. The spray has been sprayed and the garage door has been shut and the bugs are no longer guests at the Evans Estate. Apparently this has not stopped my subconscious from dreaming that they are still present in our living space, because I woke from a dream this morning where I had been killing them with my scantily clad, flip flop wearing foot. Another eeww! I woke up itchy this morning.

I also struggled with insomnia last night. Awakened about 2:00, I could not go back to sleep, and like many other nights, my insomnia turned into a battle of the mind as I started ruminating on things that have hurt me, things that concern me, things I cannot control. As I was pondering the roach dream and the battle of insomnia, I realized they had some similarities. They were both stealing my peace, invaders of the ugliest kind, sneaking through the cracks into places that they did not belong. Thoughts like roaches sometimes just appear out of nowhere and it’s hard to get rid of them.

There was a battle going on in my mind last night. Normally when I start to ruminate about something, it takes me a minute to realize I am doing it, and then I start to pray, giving it to God. I repeat memorized scripture over and over in my mind. Verses like Philippians 4:8 are helpful, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely or admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, let your mind dwell on these things.” Last night however the battle was fierce, my thoughts were coming like bullets one after the other. I kept at it though, using scripture, praying, asking God to give me peace and rest and sleep. Somewhere between o’dark 30 and morning light that peace came and then rest and then sleep. Thank you Jesus! Zzzzzz

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding, will guard you hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6

Worn

Tired, worn, exhausted, all of the above. Sometimes life is just hard. All the time God is Good!

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

My prayers are wearing thin
And I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
Heaven come and flood my eyes
-Tenth Avenue North

Abandon

This decision has been months in the making. Should I rent out the spare bedroom in my house or not? All my kids are out of the house (although two are away at college and will probably come back before they launch permanently). I've got one completely empty room. What about renting it out, I started pondering sometime this summer. The extra rent would come in handy, and maybe I can help somebody out for a while with a cheap place to live. JoJo left for college in August and this decision has been plaguing me. I even have someone in mind. A young lady who I work with, soon to be single mom, who just can't afford rent here in Modesto. When the rubber started getting closer to the road, I found that there were some roadblocks I had not earlier considered, my dogs for one. This one could be worked around, but my privacy, well that's another story. I wasn't keenly aware of this particular issue until I had a dream that this young lady came over to my house (where she has not been before, or even knows where I live) and I knew she was going to ask me if she could rent my extra room. As she approached I became aware that I was naked (sorry for the mental image, but these are the facts, hehe). Well, I had to apologize profusely for this very embarrassing state I was in, and suddenly I had clothes on again. A couple friends alerted me to the thought that I might be concerned about being in a vulnerable and completely exposed position allowing someone to share my home with me. Huh, maybe so, this further muddied the waters about my decision. Now I had to contend with the idea that maybe God was behind this idea and was I going to be obedient to His leading?

This morning I woke early and wrestled with God about either spending time with Him or going back to sleep. He won this round, and I am so very grateful He did. He impressed upon me that time with Him would prove to be more of a blessing than more sleep-and I could always take a nap later. He was right. As I looked into His word and the writings of a woman I admire, this decision that had been plaguing me was brought into complete clarity. "If God's Word takes a stand on an issue that you're facing, there's really no need to waste your time praying and fasting about it or seeking a personal word from God on the issue. You've already gotten His answer on the subject, and you need to just run with it." (Priscilla Shirer, Discerning the Voice of God) Two scriptures came to mind as I read this. The first in James, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." And the second, "if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward." (Matt 10:42) Boom! God wants us to look out for those in need, He commands it. This is something I can do, something I believe He wants me to do.

Every year towards the end of the year I contemplate what has occurred over the past year, and look ahead to the following year. For the past few years, as I have done this, I have been impressed with a word for the year. Courage, Gratitude, and Joy have been my words for the last three years. The word that has been becoming clear to me for 2015 is Abandon. Whoa! What does that mean God? I don't know exactly, but possibly this decision to share my home might be part of it. Abandon my claim on My house as My own private sanctuary and allow someone else in? What else will the word Abandon play in my life next year? I don't know, but I'm up for the journey, because with God I know that not only are all things possible, but all things work for the good of those who love Him, for those who have been called according to His purpose. Excited about the possibilities. Father, may Your dreams become my dreams!

Baby Birds and Young Adults

I was thinking about baby birds last night. They stay all cozy and warm under their parents protection. Their every need is provided for in the security of the nest. They are comfortable and well fed. That is until the parents are compelled by an innate drive to push them out. There comes a time when the parents just know it's time for them to fly. How do they do this? Well basically it's forced (ready? Mommy's gonna give you a big push). The baby bird also has an innate knowledge that, when put to the test (fall to the ground and die or fly) come as second nature.

Isn't this kind of the scenario with our children. They cannot stay with us forever, although I guess some do try. For the average young adult, there comes a time when they want to fly, be independent, make it on their own. Usually around the same time, parents also sense that compelling to make sure that these young people learn to fly. Some jump out willingly, others need a little nudge, while some just have to be pushed. Hopefully the result is the same, they fly. Oh, they may flap, flitter, flip and fall along the way, but isn't that what we all did?

My baby bird-the last one-will be taking flight today. Off on an exciting journey into the next season of life. He goes willingly, with a desire to finish his education. Momma bird is ready (or at least I think I am, time will tell). I am excited to see him fly, hopefully with some pit stops at home along the way. This is a new season for me as well. The last time I lived alone I was 22 years old, and believe me, that was a while ago. I will miss the car out front when I return home, someone to take the trash out and empty the dishwasher, my Falling Skies and Walking Dead watching buddy, among other things. My sink will stay clean, my food bill will shrink, my TV will wonder what happened to the person that always watched it, and the animals will have to get used to being fed later (JoJo's a morning person and I, well I like my sleep). Most of all though, I'm proud of all my baby birds who are out there flying. My prayer is that they would like the Psalmist says, be hidden in the Shadow of His wings.


Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:8

Missouri or Bust

Top 10 things I will miss about Missouri:

10. Well whenever I'm here, I'm on vacation
9. Frogs jumping from puddles when I ride by
8. Long drives in the country
7. Green (It's everywhere and it's my favorite color)
6. Peaceful (Unless the sound of birds cheeping and chirping a beautiful chorus bothers you)
5. Nightly walks down roads lined with wildflowers
4. The view of a million stars from my pillow
3. I can walk down the street and visit my Nephew, Niece and grand nephew and niece. (love you)
2. My brother-in-law Bill and his amazing cooking
1. My lifetime friend and Sissy, Sindy!!!!!

Top 5 things I will not miss about Missouri:

5. Snakes
4. Bugs (they are everywhere at all times and they stick to your humidity ravaged skin)
3. Weather forecast: Mon T-Storm, Tues T-Storm, Wed T-Storm (and...well...you get the picture)
2. The five pounds I've acquired (from Bill's cooking and Sindy's treats)
1. Humidity. Humidity, Humidity (didn't I just take a shower?)

Fragile: Handle With Care

I have found it difficult to keep writing this blog. Ever since November when Daniel and I decided to "be friends", I have found that I can't write freely and respect his privacy and feelings at the same time. Writing is therapeutic for me though, so I will try my best to write authentically while being respectful at the same time.

I have found a pretty good rhythm to my life as of late, and I am liking that. Some of that rhythm has included time with Daniel doing "friend" things; going to see a movie, playing a game, lunch, etc. It's been pretty platonic. As my life has settled in to a pretty good routine, I have started to let my mind drift into the future. Things like vacation plans, possible job changes, ministry and major purchases have been spinning around in my head. Each time one of the more weighty issues come to mind I have to ask myself the question, "Do I make decisions as a single person, or do I consider my future in light of another person being involved?" This is where I get stuck, because the unknown is unknown. I hate that sometimes.  I'm a planner and I like to be able to plan for what's coming next. This is where God comes in and reminds me that He holds our future and I don't need to ALWAYS know what's coming next, but I need to trust that His plan for me is the BEST plan, and I needn't fret over it. Easier to say than to do, but I'm trying and we are always a work in progress aren't we? I keep praying and putting my life and future in His hands, and praying for His timing, not mine. I don't know where this "friendship" with Daniel is going, or if it is going anywhere but what it is right now. Either way I'm okay, but if you're a praying person would you join me in praying that I would be patient and continue to seek out God's wisdom and guidance as I navigate through my "not quite singleness"? Thanks friends!