Silver Linings

"God works all things for your good," "This is going to make you stronger," "God never wastes a hurt," "All things happen for a reason," and the list of platitudes could go on and on. I am not saying that these are not true, but sometimes when you have just endured a trial, struggle, or hurt, these don't exactly bring you comfort.

These are the truths that you see much further down the road. After you have worked through some of the pain and heartache, when you have been given comfort, and you can look back and see things from another perspective, that is when these sentiments come to life.

There are so many things that are different in my life now that were not my reality 5 years ago, and today some of the above statements came to life for me.

In January I was able to quit my job of 23 years to devote more time to my other two jobs. The two jobs that I have are a direct result of some difficult things in my life. One job is working with cancer patients, and the other working with women in crisis pregnancies. Both are so rewarding, and neither-I do believe-would I be doing if it had not been for crisis in my own life. God did use those things for my good, He did make me stronger.

This weekend I was brought to tears on a couple of occasions. God allowed me to witness first hand answered prayer in a clients life and it was amazing, a transformation right before my very eyes. He is so good. He gives mercy and grace, and He fills us with joy that cannot be explained. As I witnessed answered prayer, I realized what a blessing my job is as I get to see lives transformed. Wow!

I can now say, thank you God for shattered dreams. He shattered my dreams of what I thought my life was going to be, so that He could give me new and improved hopes and dreams. This has required a lot of change, and who really likes change? It is painful, unpredictable, and uncomfortable. I don't know what is around the corner, and that is scary at times, but I do know I am in His hands, and even in the uncertainty, there is no other place I would rather be.

Battling Cockroaches of the Mind

We have lived in our house for almost 19 years and I have only seen these awful sewer roaches once, dead in our front yard. This year, maybe because of the drought, I don’t know, but I have seen them more than I care to admit. (Here is where you may want to stop reading) Recently these hideous creatures have made their way in to our garage, and because we have two cats who utilize their litter box in the garage, and because we leave the garage door ajar for said cats, they have made their way into our house. Can you say eeewww?!! We have found a handful of these 1 ½-2 inch invaders in our home. Luckily we have two cats and two dogs who finally got off their duff, started doing something productive and alerted us to these unwanted intruders. Once we discovered their invasion and did some research on how to kill them-other than swatting them with a broom in a panicked frenzy-I went to the store to buy the remedy. Just a side note; when you hear your 2o year old son yelling out to you at 11:30 at night in a troubled voice because there is a rogue 2 inch roach running around his room, you wish there were a husband lying next to you to respond instead of you, just sayin. Now on with my story. The spray has been sprayed and the garage door has been shut and the bugs are no longer guests at the Evans Estate. Apparently this has not stopped my subconscious from dreaming that they are still present in our living space, because I woke from a dream this morning where I had been killing them with my scantily clad, flip flop wearing foot. Another eeww! I woke up itchy this morning.

I also struggled with insomnia last night. Awakened about 2:00, I could not go back to sleep, and like many other nights, my insomnia turned into a battle of the mind as I started ruminating on things that have hurt me, things that concern me, things I cannot control. As I was pondering the roach dream and the battle of insomnia, I realized they had some similarities. They were both stealing my peace, invaders of the ugliest kind, sneaking through the cracks into places that they did not belong. Thoughts like roaches sometimes just appear out of nowhere and it’s hard to get rid of them.

There was a battle going on in my mind last night. Normally when I start to ruminate about something, it takes me a minute to realize I am doing it, and then I start to pray, giving it to God. I repeat memorized scripture over and over in my mind. Verses like Philippians 4:8 are helpful, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely or admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, let your mind dwell on these things.” Last night however the battle was fierce, my thoughts were coming like bullets one after the other. I kept at it though, using scripture, praying, asking God to give me peace and rest and sleep. Somewhere between o’dark 30 and morning light that peace came and then rest and then sleep. Thank you Jesus! Zzzzzz

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God that surpasses all understanding, will guard you hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6

Worn

Tired, worn, exhausted, all of the above. Sometimes life is just hard. All the time God is Good!

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

My prayers are wearing thin
And I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
Heaven come and flood my eyes
-Tenth Avenue North

Abandon

This decision has been months in the making. Should I rent out the spare bedroom in my house or not? All my kids are out of the house (although two are away at college and will probably come back before they launch permanently). I've got one completely empty room. What about renting it out, I started pondering sometime this summer. The extra rent would come in handy, and maybe I can help somebody out for a while with a cheap place to live. JoJo left for college in August and this decision has been plaguing me. I even have someone in mind. A young lady who I work with, soon to be single mom, who just can't afford rent here in Modesto. When the rubber started getting closer to the road, I found that there were some roadblocks I had not earlier considered, my dogs for one. This one could be worked around, but my privacy, well that's another story. I wasn't keenly aware of this particular issue until I had a dream that this young lady came over to my house (where she has not been before, or even knows where I live) and I knew she was going to ask me if she could rent my extra room. As she approached I became aware that I was naked (sorry for the mental image, but these are the facts, hehe). Well, I had to apologize profusely for this very embarrassing state I was in, and suddenly I had clothes on again. A couple friends alerted me to the thought that I might be concerned about being in a vulnerable and completely exposed position allowing someone to share my home with me. Huh, maybe so, this further muddied the waters about my decision. Now I had to contend with the idea that maybe God was behind this idea and was I going to be obedient to His leading?

This morning I woke early and wrestled with God about either spending time with Him or going back to sleep. He won this round, and I am so very grateful He did. He impressed upon me that time with Him would prove to be more of a blessing than more sleep-and I could always take a nap later. He was right. As I looked into His word and the writings of a woman I admire, this decision that had been plaguing me was brought into complete clarity. "If God's Word takes a stand on an issue that you're facing, there's really no need to waste your time praying and fasting about it or seeking a personal word from God on the issue. You've already gotten His answer on the subject, and you need to just run with it." (Priscilla Shirer, Discerning the Voice of God) Two scriptures came to mind as I read this. The first in James, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." And the second, "if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward." (Matt 10:42) Boom! God wants us to look out for those in need, He commands it. This is something I can do, something I believe He wants me to do.

Every year towards the end of the year I contemplate what has occurred over the past year, and look ahead to the following year. For the past few years, as I have done this, I have been impressed with a word for the year. Courage, Gratitude, and Joy have been my words for the last three years. The word that has been becoming clear to me for 2015 is Abandon. Whoa! What does that mean God? I don't know exactly, but possibly this decision to share my home might be part of it. Abandon my claim on My house as My own private sanctuary and allow someone else in? What else will the word Abandon play in my life next year? I don't know, but I'm up for the journey, because with God I know that not only are all things possible, but all things work for the good of those who love Him, for those who have been called according to His purpose. Excited about the possibilities. Father, may Your dreams become my dreams!

Baby Birds and Young Adults

I was thinking about baby birds last night. They stay all cozy and warm under their parents protection. Their every need is provided for in the security of the nest. They are comfortable and well fed. That is until the parents are compelled by an innate drive to push them out. There comes a time when the parents just know it's time for them to fly. How do they do this? Well basically it's forced (ready? Mommy's gonna give you a big push). The baby bird also has an innate knowledge that, when put to the test (fall to the ground and die or fly) come as second nature.

Isn't this kind of the scenario with our children. They cannot stay with us forever, although I guess some do try. For the average young adult, there comes a time when they want to fly, be independent, make it on their own. Usually around the same time, parents also sense that compelling to make sure that these young people learn to fly. Some jump out willingly, others need a little nudge, while some just have to be pushed. Hopefully the result is the same, they fly. Oh, they may flap, flitter, flip and fall along the way, but isn't that what we all did?

My baby bird-the last one-will be taking flight today. Off on an exciting journey into the next season of life. He goes willingly, with a desire to finish his education. Momma bird is ready (or at least I think I am, time will tell). I am excited to see him fly, hopefully with some pit stops at home along the way. This is a new season for me as well. The last time I lived alone I was 22 years old, and believe me, that was a while ago. I will miss the car out front when I return home, someone to take the trash out and empty the dishwasher, my Falling Skies and Walking Dead watching buddy, among other things. My sink will stay clean, my food bill will shrink, my TV will wonder what happened to the person that always watched it, and the animals will have to get used to being fed later (JoJo's a morning person and I, well I like my sleep). Most of all though, I'm proud of all my baby birds who are out there flying. My prayer is that they would like the Psalmist says, be hidden in the Shadow of His wings.


Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:8

Missouri or Bust

Top 10 things I will miss about Missouri:

10. Well whenever I'm here, I'm on vacation
9. Frogs jumping from puddles when I ride by
8. Long drives in the country
7. Green (It's everywhere and it's my favorite color)
6. Peaceful (Unless the sound of birds cheeping and chirping a beautiful chorus bothers you)
5. Nightly walks down roads lined with wildflowers
4. The view of a million stars from my pillow
3. I can walk down the street and visit my Nephew, Niece and grand nephew and niece. (love you)
2. My brother-in-law Bill and his amazing cooking
1. My lifetime friend and Sissy, Sindy!!!!!

Top 5 things I will not miss about Missouri:

5. Snakes
4. Bugs (they are everywhere at all times and they stick to your humidity ravaged skin)
3. Weather forecast: Mon T-Storm, Tues T-Storm, Wed T-Storm (and...well...you get the picture)
2. The five pounds I've acquired (from Bill's cooking and Sindy's treats)
1. Humidity. Humidity, Humidity (didn't I just take a shower?)

Fragile: Handle With Care

I have found it difficult to keep writing this blog. Ever since November when Daniel and I decided to "be friends", I have found that I can't write freely and respect his privacy and feelings at the same time. Writing is therapeutic for me though, so I will try my best to write authentically while being respectful at the same time.

I have found a pretty good rhythm to my life as of late, and I am liking that. Some of that rhythm has included time with Daniel doing "friend" things; going to see a movie, playing a game, lunch, etc. It's been pretty platonic. As my life has settled in to a pretty good routine, I have started to let my mind drift into the future. Things like vacation plans, possible job changes, ministry and major purchases have been spinning around in my head. Each time one of the more weighty issues come to mind I have to ask myself the question, "Do I make decisions as a single person, or do I consider my future in light of another person being involved?" This is where I get stuck, because the unknown is unknown. I hate that sometimes.  I'm a planner and I like to be able to plan for what's coming next. This is where God comes in and reminds me that He holds our future and I don't need to ALWAYS know what's coming next, but I need to trust that His plan for me is the BEST plan, and I needn't fret over it. Easier to say than to do, but I'm trying and we are always a work in progress aren't we? I keep praying and putting my life and future in His hands, and praying for His timing, not mine. I don't know where this "friendship" with Daniel is going, or if it is going anywhere but what it is right now. Either way I'm okay, but if you're a praying person would you join me in praying that I would be patient and continue to seek out God's wisdom and guidance as I navigate through my "not quite singleness"? Thanks friends!

Goodbye my friend

They say God works in mysterious ways and I can attest to the fact that He does. We don't always know why things happen the way they do or why they happen at all, but His Word says that He has "plans...for you...to prosper you and not to harm you...to give you hope and a future." (Jer 29:11) It also says that He works "all things...for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Rom 8:28) I find much peace in the fact that He has a plan for us and that His plan is for our good. When those times of uncertainty come I can find peace and rest when I relinquish control-or my self deceived belief that I had control in the first place-into His loving hands. I love when He reveals to us the purpose of a particular storm, trial, or circumstance, or when He reveals part of the plan. I know some things will not be revealed until we are with Him face to face.

Since my bout with cancer, I have had the privilege to walk alongside others who also had/have cancer. This is one way God has revealed to me at least part of His plan for my life. Two particular women will always be close to my heart. The first was Kyla, whom I met while I was going through treatment. We became fast friends. She was 31 and the mother of two young children. She came to know Christ only a couple of months before she passed away, and I was blessed to speak at her funeral of the hope that she had found in Him. My prayer for her family was that through her life and death they too, would come to know Christ for themselves. I was blessed to be a part of her life, albeit only for a short time, and to see how God used my pain to comfort someone else.

Two years later I met DW. She was a friend I connected with through my work with the Chemo Crew. There have been many ways I have seen the hand of God at work through this relationship. I believe that God has used this relationship to challenge and grow me, and I am thankful for that. DW ended up in the hospital again right before Christmas. Around that time, work started to slow down and I was waiting for my fingerprints to be cleared for another part time job. I had time on my hands, so I would go to the hospital and sit with her. I remember kinda whining to God about how I needed more work because money was getting tight, but week after week it remained slow and my fingerprints were taking forever to clear. Some days I didn't have any work so I would take a book and go sit at the hospital for hours. Some days we would talk, while other days she just slept. When the cancer started getting the better of her she was moved to Hospice House. The chaplain would come in and we would sing to her. I would go in and sing to her. She would always say, "thank you" whenever one of the volunteers came in to say hello. Even when you thought she was too out-of-it she was always listening. I started to realize that this time might have been carved out for me by my awesome Father who knew DW needed a friend. Maybe there was a reason work was slow and my fingerprints were inexplicably delayed. I stopped my whining and started being thankful for the time that was made available for me to spend with my friend. I went in last Tuesday to see her and she was kind of awake. I talked to her a bit, although she wasn't really talking, and when I was getting ready to leave she said, "I love you". Thursday was the last time I saw her. She was doing poorly. I sat with her for a few hours. I sang to her, then the chaplain came in and we sang some old Baptist hymns together. Thursday evening I got a message that my fingerprints had been cleared, and when I went in to see her Friday, she was gone. She had passed away Thursday evening. Wow! I feel blessed, so very blessed to have been a part of DW's life for the past year. Also, I am grateful that my Lord saw fit to allow me to be with her so much the last couple months.

I may not always be able to recognize His hand in all circumstances, or His plans for me, but He has proven to me time and time again that I can trust Him, so I will rest in His loving care.

.

The Discipline of Gratitude

"Gratitude as a discipline involves a conscious choice. I can choose to be grateful even when my emotions and feelings are still steeped in hurt and resentment. It is amazing how many occasions present themselves in which I can choose gratitude instead of complaint. I can choose to be grateful when I am criticized, even when my heart responds in bitterness. I can choose to speak about goodness and beauty even when my inner eye still looks for someone to accuse or something to call ugly. I can choose to listen to the voices that forgive and to look at the faces that smile, even while I still hear words of revenge and see grimaces of hatred." -Henri J. M. Nouwen

Gratitude was my theme for 2013 and this was my devotional for Jan 1st. A fitting end to a year of gratitude. I think the words above are so true and I have experienced them personally. I have chosen gratitude on many occasions when in the past I would have chosen complaint, and I am a much happier and joy filled individual when I have chosen the former. I have found also, that after you have been doing this a while the above mentioned emotions and feelings that are steeped in hurt and resentment start to fade away with each choice of gratitude. Your positive outward choices start to effect your inward way of thinking.

Which brings me to my theme for 2014: JOY! I believe my change in attitude, namely the decision to be grateful, has produced a harvest of joy. God has filled me with a joy that just springs up in me at times. It is a wonderful feeling. I am content. I have learned to enjoy moments, special and ordinary, and I am not in a hurry to move on to what's coming next. It's a wonderful thing.

I am not naïve to believe that no more troubles will assail me, but at a time of relative calm in my life I am confident that what I have learned over the past 4 years will continue to be a living testimony about how to cherish each and every mountain and valley that comes my way, and that joy doesn't come at the end of that journey, the joy is in the journey.

The Prodigal Son

Are you familiar with the story of the prodigal son? Until a few years ago I always related to the other son, the one who stayed at home and did what he was supposed to do, the loyal, obedient, rule follower. Like him, I wondered why that rascal of a son who demanded his inheritance and then ran away and did everything his father spent his whole life teaching him not to do was celebrated upon his return. It wasn't until my kids reached a certain age and started, well, not following the rules, that I was able to identify with the father in that story. I love my kids, so much, and as a parent there is nothing sweeter than seeing your kids make good choices after they have made some bad ones. As you watch them go off in a direction you know could lead to pain and suffering your heart brakes, but when you see them turn around and start walking in the right direction, that's sweet victory. The kind of victory that makes you want to celebrate, maybe kill the fattened calf and have a party.

It's not just kids that we celebrate turning their lives around. What about that friend who walked away from the church, the cousin who is an alcoholic, the family member in jail, or the classmate who has gotten involved in the wrong crowd. When we care about people we want to see them making good choices, not ones that will lead to regret, hurt and brokenness.

What about the husband who has had an affair and has walked away from his family. Ooh, hard one. Does he deserve our care and concern? Do we want to see him turn his life around? And, if he does, how do we react? Do we, like the father in the story of the prodigal son, celebrate his return? A little more complicated?

I have some great friends, the best you will find anywhere, and they love me and care about me. You might be one of them. I am so thankful for their love and support over the past few years, and I will ask for it again.

I have a prodigal husband who has been wayward for some time now. The past couple of months I have seen him making strides to turn from that waywardness. What does that mean exactly, I don't know, but what I do know is that I can take a clue from the father in the above mentioned story "...his father saw him, and had compassion..." Luke 15:20. This is where I am.

22 Years Ago Today

Another year of "not quite single" ness is upon me. I was just looking back at my blog post from my last anniversary and I have to say that I feel exactly the same way, still. So, because I couldn't say it any better I would like to re post my last anniversary post. Sorry, not very creative, but I truly believe what I wrote and have so much joy in the Lord, that there really can't be any regrets.

From Dec. 16, 2012: "Twenty-one years ago today I got married. Thinking back over the events of the past couple years the question arises in my mind, did I make a mistake way back when? As I think back over my life as a married woman, I have to respond with a resounding NO! It wasn't easy, don't get me wrong, but the blessings in my life have far outweighed the difficulties. God finds a way to use any situation for our good and for His glory, especially the circumstances we get ourselves in to by our own will. Two things I see in my life that I would not have if it were not for my marriage. The first, I would not have my four wonderful children. What a blessing they have been in my life. My favorite roll in life thus far has been being the mother of Danielle, Joshua, Robin, and JoJo. The second, is the close relationship that I have developed with Christ. I don't know if it were not for the difficulties I have experienced through my marriage, if I would have developed such a precious relationship with Him. So, in that way, I have been thankful for the years of difficulty. As my anniversary comes and goes I thank God for the way He has helped me see the best of the last 21 years, and I look forward to a new season as a single person, and to what awesome things He has for me there as well."

The Chicks have Flown the Coop

Watching your adult kids grow up is a difficult thing. You think you raised them right, taught them your values, instilled in them a solid belief system, and then out they go into the world. Like a mama bird who is teaching her babies how to fly, you give them a loving push out of the nest, and like a mama bird you sometimes see them fall on their face. What sorrow, what frustration, what sadness it can bring to watch your baby bird fall to the ground. They seemed ready to fly, they showed all the signs. The fact is: they have choices to make, and they do not always make wise ones. They stumble, they fall. Sigh, it is difficult to watch. We want to cry out, to implore them not to make the same mistakes that we made or that others make. Sometimes they listen, but then there are those times that they continue on in the same direction. We know.  We have been there. We have suffered the consequences, cried the tears of regret, wished we could go back and undo some things we’ve done. Trouble is, experience is the best teacher, and one that our kids will have to learn from. They will make mistakes, they will fall, they will have regrets, but they will also learn from them-as we did-and hopefully, prayerfully, eventually step back onto the path where they choose to walk with God, to seek His will rather than their will. The time in between for a parent is difficult. We once had control over everything they did, but now we have none. We’ve let go of it little by little (hopefully), but the desire to want to take some of it back is there, especially when we see them wander. We can’t go back though. We have to continue to let go, over and over again. The best, and sometimes the only thing we can do, is to get on our knees and lift them up to the One who knows their future and loves them exponentially more than we could ever imagine. He also does not want to see them fall, but is there to catch them when they do. Watching your adult kids grow up is a difficult thing, but knowing that God’s got them in the palm of His hand should give us the comfort and peace that we need to watch them fly.

Victim or Victor?

A victim is: a person who has been attacked, injured, robbed, or killed by someone else; a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency, someone or something that is harmed by an unpleasant event (such as an illness or accident).

We all have been victims, sometimes because of the callousness of others, sometimes by circumstances beyond our control, and sometimes by our own choices. There have been times in my life when I have played the part of victim well. Those times have usually been when I have made choices that did not turn out the way I thought they would and I was powerless to change them (or so I thought, and so I lead others to believe). I was the martyr and I was good at it, a young mom with four kids, working, going to school, financially struggling, and trying to make a rocky marriage work. Of course I didn’t really know I was such a good martyr, I was just trying to keep my head above water. Oh, if only I knew then what I know now.

Several years ago I decided that I would no longer be a victim of myself anymore; one-like the definition above-who is deceived or cheated by her own emotions or ignorance. I was done being deceived and cheated by myself; it was time to get healthy. The first thing I did was to participate in a step study through Celebrate Recovery. I also started meeting with a counselor and reading about how to change my way of thinking that wasn’t working for me. I started feeling better, healthier emotionally.

Then the tempest hit, but here’s the thing, it didn’t take me down. I was prepared. Several things in my life over the past few years have been victimizing, yet I have felt less a victim by them than I had by my own choices earlier in life. How can this be? It is how we respond to circumstances in our lives that label us “victim”.

 We may not always be able to choose the sets of circumstances that come our way, but we ALWAYS have a choice as to how we are going to respond to those sets of circumstances.

Victor: a person who has overcome or defeated an adversary; conqueror. I don’t wear the label of victim any longer; I choose to be a victor instead.

Love and Support

I went to a memorial service last night for one of my high school youth group leaders. I was impressed by how much her family and friends absolutely adored her, and by how faithful she was to her Heavenly Father even in the midst of cancer and ultimately death. I was also impressed by how faithful her husband and children were to her during the past two years as she struggled with her illness. Her husband of 35 years stood by her side through it all, loving, supporting and encouraging.

To be known, loved and cared for are basic human needs.

As I talked with a couple friends on the drive from the memorial service, the subject of marriage came up, and my friend asked me when and if I would ever consider dating and remarriage. We had just witnessed how good a marriage can be in the lives of these old friends, and she just wants the same for me.

I have to admit that at times it would be nice to have a partner in crime. This week was trying in the life of our family and it is very lonely to parent through tough situations with your kids without someone standing beside you walking that painful path right along there with you.

As I considered the events of the weekend on my drive back to Modesto I realized a couple things. First, I have great friends. I mean some of the greatest in the world. My friends have been there for me in a huge way over the  last few years, loving, supporting and encouraging me every step of the way. Second, I have been having so much fun. There are moments when things are lonely, but for the most part my life is filled with so much joy and peace that I really have nothing to complain about.

I didn't know how to answer my friend when she asked me about dating and marriage. For now since I am not divorced the issue is mute. When and if the issue is ever not mute, well, we'll just have to wait and see.

Just A Thought

There are days. Days when you come home to an empty house. Days you make dinner for one. Days you just want someone there. Ugh, I dislike those days. Back in the day I sang along with Air Supply, "Even the nights are better, now that we're here together...even the days are brighter, when someone you love's beside ya." Ha, I sang along to that song long before I even had my first boyfriend. It doesn't take one very long after being married to realize it's not all a bed of roses that the songs and movies make it out to be. Even married, my nights weren't always better, nor days always brighter. We all have those days whether single or married. So when I have one of those days, I realize the answer lies in how I think. If I think, "woe is me, I am so lonely, everyone else is happy with their husband/boyfriend while I sit here by myself", then I will have a crummy day. If I think, "yes I am feeling a bit lonely today, but that is not how I feel everyday, it is just a moment that I know will pass," then the moment becomes more bearable. I have been learning that the enemy uses these feelings to his advantage when we let him, and I'm done letting him. I will not believe his lies anymore. My Heavenly Father has promised to never leave me or forsake me. That is what I will choose to believe.

That's Sindy with an "S"

When I was not even a year old, 11 months, 2 weeks to be exact; my baby sister was born. Still a baby myself we grew up very close together. My mom dressed us the same and people always asked if we were twins. We also fought like cats and dogs. At 13 she ended up at the bottom of some stairs, by my hand, and I ended up with a broken nose, by hers. We went our own ways through those tumultuous teenage years, but as adults we found our way back to each other, and a wonderful friendship developed.

Over the years as my children were born, Sindy was the "fun" aunt. The kids were always so excited to see her. She was the aunt that bought your kids the annoyingly loud toys, gave them sugar and caffeine, and then went home as soon as they got cranky, and my kids loved her. She played on the slip and slide with them, even though it warned "not for adults", she had them come for sleep overs, and helped them hide their broccoli  so they didn't have to eat it. Even the family dog prefers her over me.

10 years ago when our mom passed away, our bond grew even stronger. We had each other and that was an amazing blessing. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, all were spend with my sister. Summer outings on the boat, with my brother-in-law towing us around and trying to flip us like rag dolls always brought much joy and laughter, and also much pain and suffering the next day. We just love hanging out together.

My greatest blessing from my sister came during my cancer journey and subsequently the break up of my marriage. Wow, was she there for me in a big way. She took time off work, made sure I was always taken care of, and was my biggest cheerleader. She made many, many drives out here to Modesto to keep me company, listen, and be a shoulder to cry on. She was amazing.

When you are "not quite single" these relationships are so important, so it is with great sadness that I watch her move far away. Although I am sad for myself and my kids, I am happy for her and this next season of her life where she will be able to buy annoyingly loud toys for her grand kids, and fill them up with sugar and caffeine and then go home. A season when she again will be the life of the party for yet another set of kids, her own. So, I put away my sadness, and pull out my pompoms, and say "I am so excited for you". Chance and Audrey are blessed to have such a wonderful grandma as you. I will miss you and I love you.

-Your Sissy

Somewhere Down the Road

My purpose for blogging is therapy. It started after my cancer diagnosis and has not stopped since. Whenever I get overwhelmed or when feelings threaten I let my fingers go on the keyboard. The past couple weeks have been wrought with emotion, confusion and a sense of uneasiness. I know the cause, but I did not know exactly what to do about it.

I find that as I get older, I am more aware of rhythms in my life. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries all seem to hold more meaning for me lately in good and bad ways. So, as April 27th approached, I could feel my emotional state heightened. The anniversary of the discovery of my husband's affair. Mixed feelings threatened. Two years has passed, but it doesn't really feel like it sometimes. I still struggle with confusion about how I should feel, how I should act, and what steps I should take next. I was feeling as though I needed to take some kind of action, reach out maybe. I hate the feeling of the unknown. I don't like when I don't know what is going to happen next, nobody does really. It infringes upon our sense of control, and it screams the fact that we are not in control. I kept thinking about the word humility. Humility, really God? Why, I thought should I have to humble myself?

With an obedient heart I responded to His leading and reached out to my husband. And then there was freedom! Those pesky emotions that were bearing down were gone in an instant. There was a relief. My husband's response, although respectful and gentle, was still the same as it had been two years earlier, his position has not changed.

I still don't know what the future holds, but each time God speaks to me, and I obey, there is a richer sense somewhere deep within that it really will be okay.

I heard a song the other day; a blast from the past, with an extremely relevant message. God used it to minister to me that day, a healing balm on my raw emotional state.

Somewhere Down the Road 

So much pain and no good reason why
You've cried until the tears run dry
And nothing else can make you understand
The one thing that you held so dear
Is slipping from your hand
And you say

Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say

Somewhere down the road
There'll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Tho' we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road

Yesterday I thought I'd seen it all
I thought I'd climbed the highest wall
Now I see the learning never ends
And all I know to do is keep on walking
Walking 'round the bend singing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyyT7FRkTSs

If you are wondering what your future looks like, rest assured that your Heavenly Father knows, and He is walking with you every step of the way and with every tear, fear, and trouble, He is wrapping His mighty arms around you. Walk with Him!

Revenge is a dish best served never

I read a book called "Revenge of a Middle Aged Woman." It is a story about a forty something woman whose forty something husband tells her that he is having an affair with a twenty something woman he works with (sound familiar?). To top it off, this twenty something happens to be the wife's protegee and friend, ouch! The revenge in the story comes when the husband slowly comes to the conclusion that maybe he has made a mistake at exactly the same time his new woman finds out she is pregnant with twins. While the book had some funny antidotes, overall I found it to be very, very sad all the way around. I don't find any comfort or joy in revenge, especially when this so called revenge would impact the lives of so many. As I still grapple with my own story and frequently don't know what to do next or even how to feel sometimes, revenge isn't something that I have ever aspired toward. Our church is doing a 9 week series on marriage. 9 weeks! And, although I feel that the topic of marriage is of the utmost importance in the church, sometimes it is hard to sit through when you are in a state of being "not quite single." Today, for example, I watched online because we had family in from out of town, the pastor asked everyone who was married to stand up. I was glad to be watching from the comfort of my back yard so I didn't have to face that dilemma in front of hundreds of others. I have been in prayer about what to do during this 9 weeks time. My first thought was to leave the country for nine weeks and come back when it was all over, but, well, that just wasn't feasible at all. Next, I prayed and talked with God about attending elsewhere on Sunday mornings during this season, and last week that's what I did. I have a friend who is a pastor of a church here in Modesto and I worshipped there last week. God spoke as I knew He would. Since I was going to be home this week I thought the least I could do was watch online, and I was encouraged and discouraged. There have been so many broken marriages in our congregation recently that I am encouraged that our leadership is making marriage such a high priority, but it is also hard to hear from the point of view of one of those marriages that has failed. He shared many points about how to make your marriage great and I would like to consider these but then remember that there is a third party involved, and, well, that complicates things quite a bit. As I move forward each day, I will continue to rest in the hands of my Heavenly Father as I try and be the best "not quite single" I can be.

Clouded Joy

"To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning." Isaiah 61:3 This verse was aptly in my inbox this morning as an "encouraging" word. It was an encouraging word. I have had such a long stretch of joyous blessing that I was taken back a bit when I hit a wall of, well we'll just call it a funk. For the last two and a half days I have been in this funk, no energy, feeling negative and lonely. I didn't even want to get out of bed to go to church this morning and that is not me. As the time for church arrived, I decided that I should listen online. Anyone who has ever been in a moment like this knows that you fair better when you actually do get up, move around, do something, but you are battling inside yourself between what you know and how you feel. I made a compromise. I started watching in bed. Following the first song I did get up. I ate something and baked some muffins all the while listening online. I started to feel a little better, I knew I would. Rick's message points today: 1. Never give up. 2. Never give up. 3. Never give up. Hmm, interesting. Nehemiah never gave up, he wasn't side tracked, he knew what had to be done and he kept on it. This is what I want to do. I don't want to let this moment of yuckyness diswade me from my goals to live a joy filled life in Christ and to follow Him. I realize that my struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the enemy. So, as The service ended, I prayed. Father, please take away this veil that is clouding my joy and fill me with You. As I looked at the blank computer screen again I struggled with the thought that writing down my feelings could be cathartic but feeling like I don't really want to. The sun has started to break through the clouds outside and everything is brighter, and as I wrap up this post, I feel that The Lord has pierced the veil over me. I feel His light breaking through. I don't know if this is the end, but I know that He is faithful and even if this lasts a while longer, He is with me and He wants to turn my mourning to gladness. And, to finish Isaiah 61:3 "A garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

What's your status?

We had a married life event at our church last night. I didn't go to it. We will have a single life event there tonight.I won't go to that either. I'm still in that space in between. I have been forced to pick a status a few times recently on new doctor's office forms, applications, and even my grad school admissions. I still don't really know which to choose. Yesterday was the first time I was given the option "separated" so I took it. I felt like it was a step forward at least mentally. Over the past couple years I have met several woman who are on different spots of this married to divorced spectrum. Each has a story to tell. I know a couple women who have been separated for many years and barring their husbands filing, will probably never be divorced. I know a couple like me who are in that limbo of haven't yet decided whether or not to make that move ourselves or leave things be. And, I also know several women who went straight to divorce. It's such a personal decision, and I am learning that no one can really tell you which path to take. In the beginning I found myself making so many judgements about the decisions of others, but quickly realized that I had no right to make those judgements. God's Word is clear about divorce and the circumstances surrounding a believer's right to divorce. What isn't so clear is whether one should take advantage of those freedoms is a personal choice, and one that we should not judge. For now, I, personally, am content to be "not quite single".