Fragile: Handle With Care

I have found it difficult to keep writing this blog. Ever since November when Daniel and I decided to "be friends", I have found that I can't write freely and respect his privacy and feelings at the same time. Writing is therapeutic for me though, so I will try my best to write authentically while being respectful at the same time.

I have found a pretty good rhythm to my life as of late, and I am liking that. Some of that rhythm has included time with Daniel doing "friend" things; going to see a movie, playing a game, lunch, etc. It's been pretty platonic. As my life has settled in to a pretty good routine, I have started to let my mind drift into the future. Things like vacation plans, possible job changes, ministry and major purchases have been spinning around in my head. Each time one of the more weighty issues come to mind I have to ask myself the question, "Do I make decisions as a single person, or do I consider my future in light of another person being involved?" This is where I get stuck, because the unknown is unknown. I hate that sometimes.  I'm a planner and I like to be able to plan for what's coming next. This is where God comes in and reminds me that He holds our future and I don't need to ALWAYS know what's coming next, but I need to trust that His plan for me is the BEST plan, and I needn't fret over it. Easier to say than to do, but I'm trying and we are always a work in progress aren't we? I keep praying and putting my life and future in His hands, and praying for His timing, not mine. I don't know where this "friendship" with Daniel is going, or if it is going anywhere but what it is right now. Either way I'm okay, but if you're a praying person would you join me in praying that I would be patient and continue to seek out God's wisdom and guidance as I navigate through my "not quite singleness"? Thanks friends!

Goodbye my friend

They say God works in mysterious ways and I can attest to the fact that He does. We don't always know why things happen the way they do or why they happen at all, but His Word says that He has "plans...for you...to prosper you and not to harm you...to give you hope and a future." (Jer 29:11) It also says that He works "all things...for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Rom 8:28) I find much peace in the fact that He has a plan for us and that His plan is for our good. When those times of uncertainty come I can find peace and rest when I relinquish control-or my self deceived belief that I had control in the first place-into His loving hands. I love when He reveals to us the purpose of a particular storm, trial, or circumstance, or when He reveals part of the plan. I know some things will not be revealed until we are with Him face to face.

Since my bout with cancer, I have had the privilege to walk alongside others who also had/have cancer. This is one way God has revealed to me at least part of His plan for my life. Two particular women will always be close to my heart. The first was Kyla, whom I met while I was going through treatment. We became fast friends. She was 31 and the mother of two young children. She came to know Christ only a couple of months before she passed away, and I was blessed to speak at her funeral of the hope that she had found in Him. My prayer for her family was that through her life and death they too, would come to know Christ for themselves. I was blessed to be a part of her life, albeit only for a short time, and to see how God used my pain to comfort someone else.

Two years later I met DW. She was a friend I connected with through my work with the Chemo Crew. There have been many ways I have seen the hand of God at work through this relationship. I believe that God has used this relationship to challenge and grow me, and I am thankful for that. DW ended up in the hospital again right before Christmas. Around that time, work started to slow down and I was waiting for my fingerprints to be cleared for another part time job. I had time on my hands, so I would go to the hospital and sit with her. I remember kinda whining to God about how I needed more work because money was getting tight, but week after week it remained slow and my fingerprints were taking forever to clear. Some days I didn't have any work so I would take a book and go sit at the hospital for hours. Some days we would talk, while other days she just slept. When the cancer started getting the better of her she was moved to Hospice House. The chaplain would come in and we would sing to her. I would go in and sing to her. She would always say, "thank you" whenever one of the volunteers came in to say hello. Even when you thought she was too out-of-it she was always listening. I started to realize that this time might have been carved out for me by my awesome Father who knew DW needed a friend. Maybe there was a reason work was slow and my fingerprints were inexplicably delayed. I stopped my whining and started being thankful for the time that was made available for me to spend with my friend. I went in last Tuesday to see her and she was kind of awake. I talked to her a bit, although she wasn't really talking, and when I was getting ready to leave she said, "I love you". Thursday was the last time I saw her. She was doing poorly. I sat with her for a few hours. I sang to her, then the chaplain came in and we sang some old Baptist hymns together. Thursday evening I got a message that my fingerprints had been cleared, and when I went in to see her Friday, she was gone. She had passed away Thursday evening. Wow! I feel blessed, so very blessed to have been a part of DW's life for the past year. Also, I am grateful that my Lord saw fit to allow me to be with her so much the last couple months.

I may not always be able to recognize His hand in all circumstances, or His plans for me, but He has proven to me time and time again that I can trust Him, so I will rest in His loving care.

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The Discipline of Gratitude

"Gratitude as a discipline involves a conscious choice. I can choose to be grateful even when my emotions and feelings are still steeped in hurt and resentment. It is amazing how many occasions present themselves in which I can choose gratitude instead of complaint. I can choose to be grateful when I am criticized, even when my heart responds in bitterness. I can choose to speak about goodness and beauty even when my inner eye still looks for someone to accuse or something to call ugly. I can choose to listen to the voices that forgive and to look at the faces that smile, even while I still hear words of revenge and see grimaces of hatred." -Henri J. M. Nouwen

Gratitude was my theme for 2013 and this was my devotional for Jan 1st. A fitting end to a year of gratitude. I think the words above are so true and I have experienced them personally. I have chosen gratitude on many occasions when in the past I would have chosen complaint, and I am a much happier and joy filled individual when I have chosen the former. I have found also, that after you have been doing this a while the above mentioned emotions and feelings that are steeped in hurt and resentment start to fade away with each choice of gratitude. Your positive outward choices start to effect your inward way of thinking.

Which brings me to my theme for 2014: JOY! I believe my change in attitude, namely the decision to be grateful, has produced a harvest of joy. God has filled me with a joy that just springs up in me at times. It is a wonderful feeling. I am content. I have learned to enjoy moments, special and ordinary, and I am not in a hurry to move on to what's coming next. It's a wonderful thing.

I am not naïve to believe that no more troubles will assail me, but at a time of relative calm in my life I am confident that what I have learned over the past 4 years will continue to be a living testimony about how to cherish each and every mountain and valley that comes my way, and that joy doesn't come at the end of that journey, the joy is in the journey.

The Prodigal Son

Are you familiar with the story of the prodigal son? Until a few years ago I always related to the other son, the one who stayed at home and did what he was supposed to do, the loyal, obedient, rule follower. Like him, I wondered why that rascal of a son who demanded his inheritance and then ran away and did everything his father spent his whole life teaching him not to do was celebrated upon his return. It wasn't until my kids reached a certain age and started, well, not following the rules, that I was able to identify with the father in that story. I love my kids, so much, and as a parent there is nothing sweeter than seeing your kids make good choices after they have made some bad ones. As you watch them go off in a direction you know could lead to pain and suffering your heart brakes, but when you see them turn around and start walking in the right direction, that's sweet victory. The kind of victory that makes you want to celebrate, maybe kill the fattened calf and have a party.

It's not just kids that we celebrate turning their lives around. What about that friend who walked away from the church, the cousin who is an alcoholic, the family member in jail, or the classmate who has gotten involved in the wrong crowd. When we care about people we want to see them making good choices, not ones that will lead to regret, hurt and brokenness.

What about the husband who has had an affair and has walked away from his family. Ooh, hard one. Does he deserve our care and concern? Do we want to see him turn his life around? And, if he does, how do we react? Do we, like the father in the story of the prodigal son, celebrate his return? A little more complicated?

I have some great friends, the best you will find anywhere, and they love me and care about me. You might be one of them. I am so thankful for their love and support over the past few years, and I will ask for it again.

I have a prodigal husband who has been wayward for some time now. The past couple of months I have seen him making strides to turn from that waywardness. What does that mean exactly, I don't know, but what I do know is that I can take a clue from the father in the above mentioned story "...his father saw him, and had compassion..." Luke 15:20. This is where I am.

22 Years Ago Today

Another year of "not quite single" ness is upon me. I was just looking back at my blog post from my last anniversary and I have to say that I feel exactly the same way, still. So, because I couldn't say it any better I would like to re post my last anniversary post. Sorry, not very creative, but I truly believe what I wrote and have so much joy in the Lord, that there really can't be any regrets.

From Dec. 16, 2012: "Twenty-one years ago today I got married. Thinking back over the events of the past couple years the question arises in my mind, did I make a mistake way back when? As I think back over my life as a married woman, I have to respond with a resounding NO! It wasn't easy, don't get me wrong, but the blessings in my life have far outweighed the difficulties. God finds a way to use any situation for our good and for His glory, especially the circumstances we get ourselves in to by our own will. Two things I see in my life that I would not have if it were not for my marriage. The first, I would not have my four wonderful children. What a blessing they have been in my life. My favorite roll in life thus far has been being the mother of Danielle, Joshua, Robin, and JoJo. The second, is the close relationship that I have developed with Christ. I don't know if it were not for the difficulties I have experienced through my marriage, if I would have developed such a precious relationship with Him. So, in that way, I have been thankful for the years of difficulty. As my anniversary comes and goes I thank God for the way He has helped me see the best of the last 21 years, and I look forward to a new season as a single person, and to what awesome things He has for me there as well."

The Chicks have Flown the Coop

Watching your adult kids grow up is a difficult thing. You think you raised them right, taught them your values, instilled in them a solid belief system, and then out they go into the world. Like a mama bird who is teaching her babies how to fly, you give them a loving push out of the nest, and like a mama bird you sometimes see them fall on their face. What sorrow, what frustration, what sadness it can bring to watch your baby bird fall to the ground. They seemed ready to fly, they showed all the signs. The fact is: they have choices to make, and they do not always make wise ones. They stumble, they fall. Sigh, it is difficult to watch. We want to cry out, to implore them not to make the same mistakes that we made or that others make. Sometimes they listen, but then there are those times that they continue on in the same direction. We know.  We have been there. We have suffered the consequences, cried the tears of regret, wished we could go back and undo some things we’ve done. Trouble is, experience is the best teacher, and one that our kids will have to learn from. They will make mistakes, they will fall, they will have regrets, but they will also learn from them-as we did-and hopefully, prayerfully, eventually step back onto the path where they choose to walk with God, to seek His will rather than their will. The time in between for a parent is difficult. We once had control over everything they did, but now we have none. We’ve let go of it little by little (hopefully), but the desire to want to take some of it back is there, especially when we see them wander. We can’t go back though. We have to continue to let go, over and over again. The best, and sometimes the only thing we can do, is to get on our knees and lift them up to the One who knows their future and loves them exponentially more than we could ever imagine. He also does not want to see them fall, but is there to catch them when they do. Watching your adult kids grow up is a difficult thing, but knowing that God’s got them in the palm of His hand should give us the comfort and peace that we need to watch them fly.

Victim or Victor?

A victim is: a person who has been attacked, injured, robbed, or killed by someone else; a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency, someone or something that is harmed by an unpleasant event (such as an illness or accident).

We all have been victims, sometimes because of the callousness of others, sometimes by circumstances beyond our control, and sometimes by our own choices. There have been times in my life when I have played the part of victim well. Those times have usually been when I have made choices that did not turn out the way I thought they would and I was powerless to change them (or so I thought, and so I lead others to believe). I was the martyr and I was good at it, a young mom with four kids, working, going to school, financially struggling, and trying to make a rocky marriage work. Of course I didn’t really know I was such a good martyr, I was just trying to keep my head above water. Oh, if only I knew then what I know now.

Several years ago I decided that I would no longer be a victim of myself anymore; one-like the definition above-who is deceived or cheated by her own emotions or ignorance. I was done being deceived and cheated by myself; it was time to get healthy. The first thing I did was to participate in a step study through Celebrate Recovery. I also started meeting with a counselor and reading about how to change my way of thinking that wasn’t working for me. I started feeling better, healthier emotionally.

Then the tempest hit, but here’s the thing, it didn’t take me down. I was prepared. Several things in my life over the past few years have been victimizing, yet I have felt less a victim by them than I had by my own choices earlier in life. How can this be? It is how we respond to circumstances in our lives that label us “victim”.

 We may not always be able to choose the sets of circumstances that come our way, but we ALWAYS have a choice as to how we are going to respond to those sets of circumstances.

Victor: a person who has overcome or defeated an adversary; conqueror. I don’t wear the label of victim any longer; I choose to be a victor instead.