Mercy triumphs over judgement

So, I just finished reading The Furious Longing of God, by Brennan Manning, and he had one thought in particular that has stuck with me.

"Is there a Zacchaeus in you life? Somebody that every body's given up on? Judged incapable of any further good? Grandaunt, distant cousin, spouse, former spouse, in-law, member of your church, neighbor on your street, colleague at work? Someone of whom you've said, "I've been wasting my time trying to make you understand anything. You are incorrigible. Thanks God, I'm quits and free of you. Don't you ever dare to darken my door again"? You probably wouldn't say that because that's cruel. I don't like to say cruel things either. They make me feel guilty and I don't want to feel guilty. So, I play it smooth; I call it cool cordiality and polite indifference. Good morning, you dork. In the churches across our land, we allow this garbage to masquerade as the love of Jesus."

I read this and I reread this. I thought, can he read my mind? This is exactly how I've felt about Daniel, my husband. But, what is this man trying to say? It sounds like he is saying that I need to love my husband who is not quite my husband anymore with the love of Christ. Manning goes on to say:

"Jesus said you are to love one another as I have loved you, a love that will possibly lead to the bloody, anguished gift of yourself; a love that forgives seventy times seven, that keeps no score of wrongdoing. Jesus said this, this love, is the one criterion, the sole norm, the standard of discipleship in the New Israel of God. He said you're going to be identified as His by one sign only: the deep and delicate respect for one another, the cordial love impregnated with reverence for the sacred dimension of the human personality because of the mysterious substitution of Christ for the Christian."

What an awesome and significant challenge: Love those who are hard to love, Love those who have hurt you, Love those who everybody else has given up on, Love those, with the same love that Christ has loved us with. I'm going to tell you that this is not easy. It goes against our human nature. Our you-hurt-me-I-hurt-you nature. Our I'll-just-wash-my-hands-of-you nature. But, that's the point isn't it? When we submit our lives to Christ, we take on His nature. We die to self.

The question I ask myself with my current situation in mind is: How does this play itself out practically? How do I love my estranged husband with the love of Christ? Since I accepted Manning's challenge to not be that cordially cool or polite indifferent person, situations have come up where I have been able to practice that love in action. My fear about showing love or mercy was that I would get hurt, that it would be me letting my guard down too much, that it would be me letting my husband get away with something (like it was my job to make sure he didn't forget what he'd done). What I have found instead is peace, contentment, and joy, when I have responded with love rather than cool indifference. I don't want to been known as the woman who was able to be cordial or polite in the midst of a difficult situation, I want to be know as a woman who shows the love of Christ, no matter what the situation.

Happy? Anniversary

Twenty-one years ago today I got married. Thinking back over the events of the past couple years the question arises in my mind, did I make a mistake way back when? As I think back over my life as a married woman, I have to respond with a resounding NO! It wasn't easy, don't get me wrong, but the blessings in my life have far outweighed the difficulties. God finds a way to use any situation for our good and for His glory, especially the circumstances we get ourselves in to by our own will. Two things I see in my life that I would not have if it were not for my marriage. The first, I would not have my four wonderful children. What a blessing they have been in my life. My favorite roll in life thus far has been being the mother of Danielle, Joshua, Robin, and JoJo. The second, is the close relationship that I have developed with Christ. I don't know if it were not for the difficulties I have experienced through my marriage, if I would have developed such a precious relationship with Him. So, in that way, I have been thankful for the years of difficulty. As my anniversary comes and goes I thank God for the way He has helped me see the best of the last 21 years, and I look forward to a new season as a single person, and to what awesome things He has for me there as well.

If I Should Die Before I Wake

I always thought that prayer that I was taught as a little girl was a bit morbid. If I should die before I wake doesn't exude a sense of peace, comfort, and rest, nevertheless I said it with my mom and sister every night growing. Another kind of morbid thing my mom used to do was talk about how she wanted us to handle her body when she died. I can remember as a very young girl being told that she wanted to be cremated. She even went so far as to prepay for all of her cremation services in advance so she knew everything was taken care of. She was a single mom.

I never fully understood her obsession with having everything ready in case she died until I was much older. She didn't have that partner that she could confide in, and rely on, to make sure that those kind of things were taken care of. My poor mom, as teenagers my sister and I would tease her incessantly about her "death plans".

In two weeks, I will be having surgery and all that planning my mom did when I was younger has been brought to the forefront of my mind. Now I really get it, it's just a matter of practicality. What if something happened to me? What if I never wake up from anesthesia? What would the kids do? Like my mom, I no longer have that partner that would take care of those kinds of things; one that I can share my wishes with and rely on. It's just me.

As I think about the impending surgery, I realize it's time to get some of my affairs in order (just in case). I pulled out my Last Will and Testament. The last time I even thought about the thing Daniel and I were going to be flying together and I realized we had nothing down on paper about how we wanted the kids to be taken care of in case of our unfortunate demise.

One of the kids saw it sitting out tonight and thought it might make for some interesting reading, and then proceeded to plan with her brother what they could do with the insurance money, (guess they're not too worried). Since, Daniel is named as the beneficiary of everything, she agreed that it was time to update that baby. So, in the spirit of my dear mother, I too, will be extremely practical and forward thinking and make sure that my wishes are well documented just in case I should I die before I wake.

All Dressed Up and No Place to Go

In the early 80s I loved the band Meatloaf. I had all their songs memorized. One of their songs came to mind last night. I won't share the lyrics with you 'cause I think they are kinda inappropriate (I can't imagine why my mom let an 11 year old listen to such music), but that's another story. The basic gist though is it's a Saturday night, he's ready to go out, but there is no place to go.

Last night was Saturday night, Robin was at work, JoJo was doing homework-with no end in sight- the house was cleaned, lawns mowed. What to do now? This question is one that has plagued me a few times over the last few months. When you've lost your companion there are times that you just get a little lonely. I wasn't alone, but I was lonely. I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to catch up with a friend. Now this is where I run into my next problem. Saturday night is a good date night for many married couples and since a high percentage of my friends are married my list is already shortened. My thought to do something was last minute so that leaves out any of my single friends with kids, and the list gets shorter. I thought, what should I do? The best answer came to mind, pray.

While I made dinner I prayed. I prayed that God would hear the desire of my heart to connect with a friend and open the doors that needed to be opened to make that a reality. With dinner done I sent a text to a couple people and was grateful to receive a reply from a friend who was also home alone. God is Good! We had a great time of fellowship.

I am thankful that these times have been few and far between over the past year and a half. God has been a loving and constant companion. I am grateful for Him, my kids, friends, and family. After being married for 20 years the loss of that companionship is difficult. I don't look forward to the empty nest as much as I once did. I know there will be some lonely days ahead, but I also know that God wants the best for me and He will gladly and without reservation meet my needs.

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:19

A Date With David

Recently a single friend told me that one of the hardest things about being single is vacations. Hmp, vacations? I thought about it a bit. No one really wants to take a vacation alone, but I have my kids, or do I? All their lives they have been taking vacations with me, but they are older now and all have jobs. We weren't even able to schedule a small camping trip this summer because of every one's varied schedules. It's not just vacations though its outings of any sort really: day trips, going to the movies, taking a bike ride, etc. My kids are just not that in to spending lots of time with me on these things like they were when they were kids, so it leaves me to do them alone. I occasionally have a small pity party about doing things by myself. Take this morning for example, I wanted to go for a bike ride, a long one. A friend I asked wasn't available, and both kids were deeply entrenched in their spots on the couch with their eyes set on the TV, immovable. I decided to go it alone. I drove over to Tuolomne River Regional Park with a picnic lunch, my devotional, Bible, and a book. My plan: ride for a while, stop and eat, have some quiet time with God, and ride some more. I don't mind doing things by myself but sometimes you just want a companion. I rode and it was beautiful. I love that God gave us eyes with which to see the beauty of His creation, and would argue that he made things so beautiful entirely for our enjoyment. I stopped to eat at a quiet little grassy spot overlooking the river. The weather was perfect with a slight breeze blowing through the trees. I sat and watched dragonflies, giant ones, flying to and fro, and a hummingbird feasting on a row of yellow flowers just a few yards away, peaceful. All of a sudden a man approached. He introduced himself, his name was David. He didn't wait for an invitation, but sat down beside me and started up a conversation. David was maybe in his mid fifties, and appeared to be mildly developmentally disabled. He engaged me in conversation for at least 30 minutes. After my initial hesitation to engage this stranger I prayed that God would allow me to enjoy this encounter and that He would lead me to know how to respond. Eventually I told him I had to be on my way and we parted with David asking me when we could go riding together. He was a very sweet and friendly spirit. I rode away and contemplated this unscheduled meeting and laughed when I thought about how I wanted some company during my outing that day, and I got it. It wasn't the company I was expecting, but it was enjoyable nonetheless. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."

The Kindness of a Stranger

I was pleasantly surprised today when the brother of a friend stepped in to help fix my sprinklers. I was a stranger to him and he to me, but when his sister called to tell him that a friend of hers could use his help, he jumped right in. Amazing! The body of Christ in action. Why am I so flabbergasted by this? Why did I half expect him not to show up today or follow through? Experience. Experience has taught me that I cannot always count on the kindness of a stranger, or even someone who is not a stranger. Unfortunately, we do not always look out for each other, love each other, and share each others burdens. We all have struggles, we all have our own stuff, and only so much time. Being "not quite single" puts you in an awkward position. When is it okay to ask for help, and when do you just suck it up and do the best you can solo? Why should someone help you when they have their own families to take care of?  As I struggle with these questions I realize that I need to be the person I want others to be to me. I want others to see some of my struggles as a "not quite single" person and volunteer to step in and be a blessing. So I ask God, where are others struggling, and are there things I can do to be a blessing to them? Isn't that what the family of God is all about, living life together, sharing burdens, encouraging, and building one another up? I was saddened to think that the kindness of this stranger was an uncommon occurrence. It shouldn't be that way, we are blessed to be a blessing.

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. -Matthew 7:12 Be the change you want to see in the world. -Mahatma Gandhi