Tired, worn, exhausted, all of the above. Sometimes life is just hard. All the time God is Good!
I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn
I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
My prayers are wearing thin
And I’m worn
Even before the day begins
I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
Heaven come and flood my eyes
-Tenth Avenue North
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Abandon
This decision has been months in the making. Should I rent out the spare bedroom in my house or not? All my kids are out of the house (although two are away at college and will probably come back before they launch permanently). I've got one completely empty room. What about renting it out, I started pondering sometime this summer. The extra rent would come in handy, and maybe I can help somebody out for a while with a cheap place to live. JoJo left for college in August and this decision has been plaguing me. I even have someone in mind. A young lady who I work with, soon to be single mom, who just can't afford rent here in Modesto. When the rubber started getting closer to the road, I found that there were some roadblocks I had not earlier considered, my dogs for one. This one could be worked around, but my privacy, well that's another story. I wasn't keenly aware of this particular issue until I had a dream that this young lady came over to my house (where she has not been before, or even knows where I live) and I knew she was going to ask me if she could rent my extra room. As she approached I became aware that I was naked (sorry for the mental image, but these are the facts, hehe). Well, I had to apologize profusely for this very embarrassing state I was in, and suddenly I had clothes on again. A couple friends alerted me to the thought that I might be concerned about being in a vulnerable and completely exposed position allowing someone to share my home with me. Huh, maybe so, this further muddied the waters about my decision. Now I had to contend with the idea that maybe God was behind this idea and was I going to be obedient to His leading?
This morning I woke early and wrestled with God about either spending time with Him or going back to sleep. He won this round, and I am so very grateful He did. He impressed upon me that time with Him would prove to be more of a blessing than more sleep-and I could always take a nap later. He was right. As I looked into His word and the writings of a woman I admire, this decision that had been plaguing me was brought into complete clarity. "If God's Word takes a stand on an issue that you're facing, there's really no need to waste your time praying and fasting about it or seeking a personal word from God on the issue. You've already gotten His answer on the subject, and you need to just run with it." (Priscilla Shirer, Discerning the Voice of God) Two scriptures came to mind as I read this. The first in James, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." And the second, "if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward." (Matt 10:42) Boom! God wants us to look out for those in need, He commands it. This is something I can do, something I believe He wants me to do.
Every year towards the end of the year I contemplate what has occurred over the past year, and look ahead to the following year. For the past few years, as I have done this, I have been impressed with a word for the year. Courage, Gratitude, and Joy have been my words for the last three years. The word that has been becoming clear to me for 2015 is Abandon. Whoa! What does that mean God? I don't know exactly, but possibly this decision to share my home might be part of it. Abandon my claim on My house as My own private sanctuary and allow someone else in? What else will the word Abandon play in my life next year? I don't know, but I'm up for the journey, because with God I know that not only are all things possible, but all things work for the good of those who love Him, for those who have been called according to His purpose. Excited about the possibilities. Father, may Your dreams become my dreams!
This morning I woke early and wrestled with God about either spending time with Him or going back to sleep. He won this round, and I am so very grateful He did. He impressed upon me that time with Him would prove to be more of a blessing than more sleep-and I could always take a nap later. He was right. As I looked into His word and the writings of a woman I admire, this decision that had been plaguing me was brought into complete clarity. "If God's Word takes a stand on an issue that you're facing, there's really no need to waste your time praying and fasting about it or seeking a personal word from God on the issue. You've already gotten His answer on the subject, and you need to just run with it." (Priscilla Shirer, Discerning the Voice of God) Two scriptures came to mind as I read this. The first in James, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." And the second, "if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones who is my disciple, truly I tell you, that person will certainly not lose their reward." (Matt 10:42) Boom! God wants us to look out for those in need, He commands it. This is something I can do, something I believe He wants me to do.
Every year towards the end of the year I contemplate what has occurred over the past year, and look ahead to the following year. For the past few years, as I have done this, I have been impressed with a word for the year. Courage, Gratitude, and Joy have been my words for the last three years. The word that has been becoming clear to me for 2015 is Abandon. Whoa! What does that mean God? I don't know exactly, but possibly this decision to share my home might be part of it. Abandon my claim on My house as My own private sanctuary and allow someone else in? What else will the word Abandon play in my life next year? I don't know, but I'm up for the journey, because with God I know that not only are all things possible, but all things work for the good of those who love Him, for those who have been called according to His purpose. Excited about the possibilities. Father, may Your dreams become my dreams!
Friday, August 1, 2014
Baby Birds and Young Adults
I was thinking about baby birds last night. They stay all cozy and warm under their parents protection. Their every need is provided for in the security of the nest. They are comfortable and well fed. That is until the parents are compelled by an innate drive to push them out. There comes a time when the parents just know it's time for them to fly. How do they do this? Well basically it's forced (ready? Mommy's gonna give you a big push). The baby bird also has an innate knowledge that, when put to the test (fall to the ground and die or fly) come as second nature.
Isn't this kind of the scenario with our children. They cannot stay with us forever, although I guess some do try. For the average young adult, there comes a time when they want to fly, be independent, make it on their own. Usually around the same time, parents also sense that compelling to make sure that these young people learn to fly. Some jump out willingly, others need a little nudge, while some just have to be pushed. Hopefully the result is the same, they fly. Oh, they may flap, flitter, flip and fall along the way, but isn't that what we all did?
My baby bird-the last one-will be taking flight today. Off on an exciting journey into the next season of life. He goes willingly, with a desire to finish his education. Momma bird is ready (or at least I think I am, time will tell). I am excited to see him fly, hopefully with some pit stops at home along the way. This is a new season for me as well. The last time I lived alone I was 22 years old, and believe me, that was a while ago. I will miss the car out front when I return home, someone to take the trash out and empty the dishwasher, my Falling Skies and Walking Dead watching buddy, among other things. My sink will stay clean, my food bill will shrink, my TV will wonder what happened to the person that always watched it, and the animals will have to get used to being fed later (JoJo's a morning person and I, well I like my sleep). Most of all though, I'm proud of all my baby birds who are out there flying. My prayer is that they would like the Psalmist says, be hidden in the Shadow of His wings.
Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:8
Isn't this kind of the scenario with our children. They cannot stay with us forever, although I guess some do try. For the average young adult, there comes a time when they want to fly, be independent, make it on their own. Usually around the same time, parents also sense that compelling to make sure that these young people learn to fly. Some jump out willingly, others need a little nudge, while some just have to be pushed. Hopefully the result is the same, they fly. Oh, they may flap, flitter, flip and fall along the way, but isn't that what we all did?
My baby bird-the last one-will be taking flight today. Off on an exciting journey into the next season of life. He goes willingly, with a desire to finish his education. Momma bird is ready (or at least I think I am, time will tell). I am excited to see him fly, hopefully with some pit stops at home along the way. This is a new season for me as well. The last time I lived alone I was 22 years old, and believe me, that was a while ago. I will miss the car out front when I return home, someone to take the trash out and empty the dishwasher, my Falling Skies and Walking Dead watching buddy, among other things. My sink will stay clean, my food bill will shrink, my TV will wonder what happened to the person that always watched it, and the animals will have to get used to being fed later (JoJo's a morning person and I, well I like my sleep). Most of all though, I'm proud of all my baby birds who are out there flying. My prayer is that they would like the Psalmist says, be hidden in the Shadow of His wings.
Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:8
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Missouri or Bust
Top 10 things I will miss about Missouri:
10. Well whenever I'm here, I'm on vacation
9. Frogs jumping from puddles when I ride by
8. Long drives in the country
7. Green (It's everywhere and it's my favorite color)
6. Peaceful (Unless the sound of birds cheeping and chirping a beautiful chorus bothers you)
5. Nightly walks down roads lined with wildflowers
4. The view of a million stars from my pillow
3. I can walk down the street and visit my Nephew, Niece and grand nephew and niece. (love you)
2. My brother-in-law Bill and his amazing cooking
1. My lifetime friend and Sissy, Sindy!!!!!
Top 5 things I will not miss about Missouri:
5. Snakes
4. Bugs (they are everywhere at all times and they stick to your humidity ravaged skin)
3. Weather forecast: Mon T-Storm, Tues T-Storm, Wed T-Storm (and...well...you get the picture)
2. The five pounds I've acquired (from Bill's cooking and Sindy's treats)
1. Humidity. Humidity, Humidity (didn't I just take a shower?)
10. Well whenever I'm here, I'm on vacation
9. Frogs jumping from puddles when I ride by
8. Long drives in the country
7. Green (It's everywhere and it's my favorite color)
6. Peaceful (Unless the sound of birds cheeping and chirping a beautiful chorus bothers you)
5. Nightly walks down roads lined with wildflowers
4. The view of a million stars from my pillow
3. I can walk down the street and visit my Nephew, Niece and grand nephew and niece. (love you)
2. My brother-in-law Bill and his amazing cooking
1. My lifetime friend and Sissy, Sindy!!!!!
Top 5 things I will not miss about Missouri:
5. Snakes
4. Bugs (they are everywhere at all times and they stick to your humidity ravaged skin)
3. Weather forecast: Mon T-Storm, Tues T-Storm, Wed T-Storm (and...well...you get the picture)
2. The five pounds I've acquired (from Bill's cooking and Sindy's treats)
1. Humidity. Humidity, Humidity (didn't I just take a shower?)
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Fragile: Handle With Care
I have found it difficult to keep writing this blog. Ever since November when Daniel and I decided to "be friends", I have found that I can't write freely and respect his privacy and feelings at the same time. Writing is therapeutic for me though, so I will try my best to write authentically while being respectful at the same time.
I have found a pretty good rhythm to my life as of late, and I am liking that. Some of that rhythm has included time with Daniel doing "friend" things; going to see a movie, playing a game, lunch, etc. It's been pretty platonic. As my life has settled in to a pretty good routine, I have started to let my mind drift into the future. Things like vacation plans, possible job changes, ministry and major purchases have been spinning around in my head. Each time one of the more weighty issues come to mind I have to ask myself the question, "Do I make decisions as a single person, or do I consider my future in light of another person being involved?" This is where I get stuck, because the unknown is unknown. I hate that sometimes. I'm a planner and I like to be able to plan for what's coming next. This is where God comes in and reminds me that He holds our future and I don't need to ALWAYS know what's coming next, but I need to trust that His plan for me is the BEST plan, and I needn't fret over it. Easier to say than to do, but I'm trying and we are always a work in progress aren't we? I keep praying and putting my life and future in His hands, and praying for His timing, not mine. I don't know where this "friendship" with Daniel is going, or if it is going anywhere but what it is right now. Either way I'm okay, but if you're a praying person would you join me in praying that I would be patient and continue to seek out God's wisdom and guidance as I navigate through my "not quite singleness"? Thanks friends!
I have found a pretty good rhythm to my life as of late, and I am liking that. Some of that rhythm has included time with Daniel doing "friend" things; going to see a movie, playing a game, lunch, etc. It's been pretty platonic. As my life has settled in to a pretty good routine, I have started to let my mind drift into the future. Things like vacation plans, possible job changes, ministry and major purchases have been spinning around in my head. Each time one of the more weighty issues come to mind I have to ask myself the question, "Do I make decisions as a single person, or do I consider my future in light of another person being involved?" This is where I get stuck, because the unknown is unknown. I hate that sometimes. I'm a planner and I like to be able to plan for what's coming next. This is where God comes in and reminds me that He holds our future and I don't need to ALWAYS know what's coming next, but I need to trust that His plan for me is the BEST plan, and I needn't fret over it. Easier to say than to do, but I'm trying and we are always a work in progress aren't we? I keep praying and putting my life and future in His hands, and praying for His timing, not mine. I don't know where this "friendship" with Daniel is going, or if it is going anywhere but what it is right now. Either way I'm okay, but if you're a praying person would you join me in praying that I would be patient and continue to seek out God's wisdom and guidance as I navigate through my "not quite singleness"? Thanks friends!
Monday, February 10, 2014
Goodbye my friend
They say God works in mysterious ways and I can attest to the fact that He does. We don't always know why things happen the way they do or why they happen at all, but His Word says that He has "plans...for you...to prosper you and not to harm you...to give you hope and a future." (Jer 29:11) It also says that He works "all things...for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Rom 8:28) I find much peace in the fact that He has a plan for us and that His plan is for our good. When those times of uncertainty come I can find peace and rest when I relinquish control-or my self deceived belief that I had control in the first place-into His loving hands. I love when He reveals to us the purpose of a particular storm, trial, or circumstance, or when He reveals part of the plan. I know some things will not be revealed until we are with Him face to face.
Since my bout with cancer, I have had the privilege to walk alongside others who also had/have cancer. This is one way God has revealed to me at least part of His plan for my life. Two particular women will always be close to my heart. The first was Kyla, whom I met while I was going through treatment. We became fast friends. She was 31 and the mother of two young children. She came to know Christ only a couple of months before she passed away, and I was blessed to speak at her funeral of the hope that she had found in Him. My prayer for her family was that through her life and death they too, would come to know Christ for themselves. I was blessed to be a part of her life, albeit only for a short time, and to see how God used my pain to comfort someone else.
Two years later I met DW. She was a friend I connected with through my work with the Chemo Crew. There have been many ways I have seen the hand of God at work through this relationship. I believe that God has used this relationship to challenge and grow me, and I am thankful for that. DW ended up in the hospital again right before Christmas. Around that time, work started to slow down and I was waiting for my fingerprints to be cleared for another part time job. I had time on my hands, so I would go to the hospital and sit with her. I remember kinda whining to God about how I needed more work because money was getting tight, but week after week it remained slow and my fingerprints were taking forever to clear. Some days I didn't have any work so I would take a book and go sit at the hospital for hours. Some days we would talk, while other days she just slept. When the cancer started getting the better of her she was moved to Hospice House. The chaplain would come in and we would sing to her. I would go in and sing to her. She would always say, "thank you" whenever one of the volunteers came in to say hello. Even when you thought she was too out-of-it she was always listening. I started to realize that this time might have been carved out for me by my awesome Father who knew DW needed a friend. Maybe there was a reason work was slow and my fingerprints were inexplicably delayed. I stopped my whining and started being thankful for the time that was made available for me to spend with my friend. I went in last Tuesday to see her and she was kind of awake. I talked to her a bit, although she wasn't really talking, and when I was getting ready to leave she said, "I love you". Thursday was the last time I saw her. She was doing poorly. I sat with her for a few hours. I sang to her, then the chaplain came in and we sang some old Baptist hymns together. Thursday evening I got a message that my fingerprints had been cleared, and when I went in to see her Friday, she was gone. She had passed away Thursday evening. Wow! I feel blessed, so very blessed to have been a part of DW's life for the past year. Also, I am grateful that my Lord saw fit to allow me to be with her so much the last couple months.
I may not always be able to recognize His hand in all circumstances, or His plans for me, but He has proven to me time and time again that I can trust Him, so I will rest in His loving care.
.
Since my bout with cancer, I have had the privilege to walk alongside others who also had/have cancer. This is one way God has revealed to me at least part of His plan for my life. Two particular women will always be close to my heart. The first was Kyla, whom I met while I was going through treatment. We became fast friends. She was 31 and the mother of two young children. She came to know Christ only a couple of months before she passed away, and I was blessed to speak at her funeral of the hope that she had found in Him. My prayer for her family was that through her life and death they too, would come to know Christ for themselves. I was blessed to be a part of her life, albeit only for a short time, and to see how God used my pain to comfort someone else.
Two years later I met DW. She was a friend I connected with through my work with the Chemo Crew. There have been many ways I have seen the hand of God at work through this relationship. I believe that God has used this relationship to challenge and grow me, and I am thankful for that. DW ended up in the hospital again right before Christmas. Around that time, work started to slow down and I was waiting for my fingerprints to be cleared for another part time job. I had time on my hands, so I would go to the hospital and sit with her. I remember kinda whining to God about how I needed more work because money was getting tight, but week after week it remained slow and my fingerprints were taking forever to clear. Some days I didn't have any work so I would take a book and go sit at the hospital for hours. Some days we would talk, while other days she just slept. When the cancer started getting the better of her she was moved to Hospice House. The chaplain would come in and we would sing to her. I would go in and sing to her. She would always say, "thank you" whenever one of the volunteers came in to say hello. Even when you thought she was too out-of-it she was always listening. I started to realize that this time might have been carved out for me by my awesome Father who knew DW needed a friend. Maybe there was a reason work was slow and my fingerprints were inexplicably delayed. I stopped my whining and started being thankful for the time that was made available for me to spend with my friend. I went in last Tuesday to see her and she was kind of awake. I talked to her a bit, although she wasn't really talking, and when I was getting ready to leave she said, "I love you". Thursday was the last time I saw her. She was doing poorly. I sat with her for a few hours. I sang to her, then the chaplain came in and we sang some old Baptist hymns together. Thursday evening I got a message that my fingerprints had been cleared, and when I went in to see her Friday, she was gone. She had passed away Thursday evening. Wow! I feel blessed, so very blessed to have been a part of DW's life for the past year. Also, I am grateful that my Lord saw fit to allow me to be with her so much the last couple months.
I may not always be able to recognize His hand in all circumstances, or His plans for me, but He has proven to me time and time again that I can trust Him, so I will rest in His loving care.
.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
The Discipline of Gratitude
"Gratitude as a discipline involves a conscious choice. I can choose to be grateful even when my emotions and feelings are still steeped in hurt and resentment. It is amazing how many occasions present themselves in which I can choose gratitude instead of complaint. I can choose to be grateful when I am criticized, even when my heart responds in bitterness. I can choose to speak about goodness and beauty even when my inner eye still looks for someone to accuse or something to call ugly. I can choose to listen to the voices that forgive and to look at the faces that smile, even while I still hear words of revenge and see grimaces of hatred." -Henri J. M. Nouwen
Gratitude was my theme for 2013 and this was my devotional for Jan 1st. A fitting end to a year of gratitude. I think the words above are so true and I have experienced them personally. I have chosen gratitude on many occasions when in the past I would have chosen complaint, and I am a much happier and joy filled individual when I have chosen the former. I have found also, that after you have been doing this a while the above mentioned emotions and feelings that are steeped in hurt and resentment start to fade away with each choice of gratitude. Your positive outward choices start to effect your inward way of thinking.
Which brings me to my theme for 2014: JOY! I believe my change in attitude, namely the decision to be grateful, has produced a harvest of joy. God has filled me with a joy that just springs up in me at times. It is a wonderful feeling. I am content. I have learned to enjoy moments, special and ordinary, and I am not in a hurry to move on to what's coming next. It's a wonderful thing.
I am not naïve to believe that no more troubles will assail me, but at a time of relative calm in my life I am confident that what I have learned over the past 4 years will continue to be a living testimony about how to cherish each and every mountain and valley that comes my way, and that joy doesn't come at the end of that journey, the joy is in the journey.
Gratitude was my theme for 2013 and this was my devotional for Jan 1st. A fitting end to a year of gratitude. I think the words above are so true and I have experienced them personally. I have chosen gratitude on many occasions when in the past I would have chosen complaint, and I am a much happier and joy filled individual when I have chosen the former. I have found also, that after you have been doing this a while the above mentioned emotions and feelings that are steeped in hurt and resentment start to fade away with each choice of gratitude. Your positive outward choices start to effect your inward way of thinking.
Which brings me to my theme for 2014: JOY! I believe my change in attitude, namely the decision to be grateful, has produced a harvest of joy. God has filled me with a joy that just springs up in me at times. It is a wonderful feeling. I am content. I have learned to enjoy moments, special and ordinary, and I am not in a hurry to move on to what's coming next. It's a wonderful thing.
I am not naïve to believe that no more troubles will assail me, but at a time of relative calm in my life I am confident that what I have learned over the past 4 years will continue to be a living testimony about how to cherish each and every mountain and valley that comes my way, and that joy doesn't come at the end of that journey, the joy is in the journey.
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