The Prodigal Son

Are you familiar with the story of the prodigal son? Until a few years ago I always related to the other son, the one who stayed at home and did what he was supposed to do, the loyal, obedient, rule follower. Like him, I wondered why that rascal of a son who demanded his inheritance and then ran away and did everything his father spent his whole life teaching him not to do was celebrated upon his return. It wasn't until my kids reached a certain age and started, well, not following the rules, that I was able to identify with the father in that story. I love my kids, so much, and as a parent there is nothing sweeter than seeing your kids make good choices after they have made some bad ones. As you watch them go off in a direction you know could lead to pain and suffering your heart brakes, but when you see them turn around and start walking in the right direction, that's sweet victory. The kind of victory that makes you want to celebrate, maybe kill the fattened calf and have a party.

It's not just kids that we celebrate turning their lives around. What about that friend who walked away from the church, the cousin who is an alcoholic, the family member in jail, or the classmate who has gotten involved in the wrong crowd. When we care about people we want to see them making good choices, not ones that will lead to regret, hurt and brokenness.

What about the husband who has had an affair and has walked away from his family. Ooh, hard one. Does he deserve our care and concern? Do we want to see him turn his life around? And, if he does, how do we react? Do we, like the father in the story of the prodigal son, celebrate his return? A little more complicated?

I have some great friends, the best you will find anywhere, and they love me and care about me. You might be one of them. I am so thankful for their love and support over the past few years, and I will ask for it again.

I have a prodigal husband who has been wayward for some time now. The past couple of months I have seen him making strides to turn from that waywardness. What does that mean exactly, I don't know, but what I do know is that I can take a clue from the father in the above mentioned story "...his father saw him, and had compassion..." Luke 15:20. This is where I am.

22 Years Ago Today

Another year of "not quite single" ness is upon me. I was just looking back at my blog post from my last anniversary and I have to say that I feel exactly the same way, still. So, because I couldn't say it any better I would like to re post my last anniversary post. Sorry, not very creative, but I truly believe what I wrote and have so much joy in the Lord, that there really can't be any regrets.

From Dec. 16, 2012: "Twenty-one years ago today I got married. Thinking back over the events of the past couple years the question arises in my mind, did I make a mistake way back when? As I think back over my life as a married woman, I have to respond with a resounding NO! It wasn't easy, don't get me wrong, but the blessings in my life have far outweighed the difficulties. God finds a way to use any situation for our good and for His glory, especially the circumstances we get ourselves in to by our own will. Two things I see in my life that I would not have if it were not for my marriage. The first, I would not have my four wonderful children. What a blessing they have been in my life. My favorite roll in life thus far has been being the mother of Danielle, Joshua, Robin, and JoJo. The second, is the close relationship that I have developed with Christ. I don't know if it were not for the difficulties I have experienced through my marriage, if I would have developed such a precious relationship with Him. So, in that way, I have been thankful for the years of difficulty. As my anniversary comes and goes I thank God for the way He has helped me see the best of the last 21 years, and I look forward to a new season as a single person, and to what awesome things He has for me there as well."

The Chicks have Flown the Coop

Watching your adult kids grow up is a difficult thing. You think you raised them right, taught them your values, instilled in them a solid belief system, and then out they go into the world. Like a mama bird who is teaching her babies how to fly, you give them a loving push out of the nest, and like a mama bird you sometimes see them fall on their face. What sorrow, what frustration, what sadness it can bring to watch your baby bird fall to the ground. They seemed ready to fly, they showed all the signs. The fact is: they have choices to make, and they do not always make wise ones. They stumble, they fall. Sigh, it is difficult to watch. We want to cry out, to implore them not to make the same mistakes that we made or that others make. Sometimes they listen, but then there are those times that they continue on in the same direction. We know.  We have been there. We have suffered the consequences, cried the tears of regret, wished we could go back and undo some things we’ve done. Trouble is, experience is the best teacher, and one that our kids will have to learn from. They will make mistakes, they will fall, they will have regrets, but they will also learn from them-as we did-and hopefully, prayerfully, eventually step back onto the path where they choose to walk with God, to seek His will rather than their will. The time in between for a parent is difficult. We once had control over everything they did, but now we have none. We’ve let go of it little by little (hopefully), but the desire to want to take some of it back is there, especially when we see them wander. We can’t go back though. We have to continue to let go, over and over again. The best, and sometimes the only thing we can do, is to get on our knees and lift them up to the One who knows their future and loves them exponentially more than we could ever imagine. He also does not want to see them fall, but is there to catch them when they do. Watching your adult kids grow up is a difficult thing, but knowing that God’s got them in the palm of His hand should give us the comfort and peace that we need to watch them fly.

Victim or Victor?

A victim is: a person who has been attacked, injured, robbed, or killed by someone else; a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency, someone or something that is harmed by an unpleasant event (such as an illness or accident).

We all have been victims, sometimes because of the callousness of others, sometimes by circumstances beyond our control, and sometimes by our own choices. There have been times in my life when I have played the part of victim well. Those times have usually been when I have made choices that did not turn out the way I thought they would and I was powerless to change them (or so I thought, and so I lead others to believe). I was the martyr and I was good at it, a young mom with four kids, working, going to school, financially struggling, and trying to make a rocky marriage work. Of course I didn’t really know I was such a good martyr, I was just trying to keep my head above water. Oh, if only I knew then what I know now.

Several years ago I decided that I would no longer be a victim of myself anymore; one-like the definition above-who is deceived or cheated by her own emotions or ignorance. I was done being deceived and cheated by myself; it was time to get healthy. The first thing I did was to participate in a step study through Celebrate Recovery. I also started meeting with a counselor and reading about how to change my way of thinking that wasn’t working for me. I started feeling better, healthier emotionally.

Then the tempest hit, but here’s the thing, it didn’t take me down. I was prepared. Several things in my life over the past few years have been victimizing, yet I have felt less a victim by them than I had by my own choices earlier in life. How can this be? It is how we respond to circumstances in our lives that label us “victim”.

 We may not always be able to choose the sets of circumstances that come our way, but we ALWAYS have a choice as to how we are going to respond to those sets of circumstances.

Victor: a person who has overcome or defeated an adversary; conqueror. I don’t wear the label of victim any longer; I choose to be a victor instead.

Love and Support

I went to a memorial service last night for one of my high school youth group leaders. I was impressed by how much her family and friends absolutely adored her, and by how faithful she was to her Heavenly Father even in the midst of cancer and ultimately death. I was also impressed by how faithful her husband and children were to her during the past two years as she struggled with her illness. Her husband of 35 years stood by her side through it all, loving, supporting and encouraging.

To be known, loved and cared for are basic human needs.

As I talked with a couple friends on the drive from the memorial service, the subject of marriage came up, and my friend asked me when and if I would ever consider dating and remarriage. We had just witnessed how good a marriage can be in the lives of these old friends, and she just wants the same for me.

I have to admit that at times it would be nice to have a partner in crime. This week was trying in the life of our family and it is very lonely to parent through tough situations with your kids without someone standing beside you walking that painful path right along there with you.

As I considered the events of the weekend on my drive back to Modesto I realized a couple things. First, I have great friends. I mean some of the greatest in the world. My friends have been there for me in a huge way over the  last few years, loving, supporting and encouraging me every step of the way. Second, I have been having so much fun. There are moments when things are lonely, but for the most part my life is filled with so much joy and peace that I really have nothing to complain about.

I didn't know how to answer my friend when she asked me about dating and marriage. For now since I am not divorced the issue is mute. When and if the issue is ever not mute, well, we'll just have to wait and see.

Just A Thought

There are days. Days when you come home to an empty house. Days you make dinner for one. Days you just want someone there. Ugh, I dislike those days. Back in the day I sang along with Air Supply, "Even the nights are better, now that we're here together...even the days are brighter, when someone you love's beside ya." Ha, I sang along to that song long before I even had my first boyfriend. It doesn't take one very long after being married to realize it's not all a bed of roses that the songs and movies make it out to be. Even married, my nights weren't always better, nor days always brighter. We all have those days whether single or married. So when I have one of those days, I realize the answer lies in how I think. If I think, "woe is me, I am so lonely, everyone else is happy with their husband/boyfriend while I sit here by myself", then I will have a crummy day. If I think, "yes I am feeling a bit lonely today, but that is not how I feel everyday, it is just a moment that I know will pass," then the moment becomes more bearable. I have been learning that the enemy uses these feelings to his advantage when we let him, and I'm done letting him. I will not believe his lies anymore. My Heavenly Father has promised to never leave me or forsake me. That is what I will choose to believe.

That's Sindy with an "S"

When I was not even a year old, 11 months, 2 weeks to be exact; my baby sister was born. Still a baby myself we grew up very close together. My mom dressed us the same and people always asked if we were twins. We also fought like cats and dogs. At 13 she ended up at the bottom of some stairs, by my hand, and I ended up with a broken nose, by hers. We went our own ways through those tumultuous teenage years, but as adults we found our way back to each other, and a wonderful friendship developed.

Over the years as my children were born, Sindy was the "fun" aunt. The kids were always so excited to see her. She was the aunt that bought your kids the annoyingly loud toys, gave them sugar and caffeine, and then went home as soon as they got cranky, and my kids loved her. She played on the slip and slide with them, even though it warned "not for adults", she had them come for sleep overs, and helped them hide their broccoli  so they didn't have to eat it. Even the family dog prefers her over me.

10 years ago when our mom passed away, our bond grew even stronger. We had each other and that was an amazing blessing. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, all were spend with my sister. Summer outings on the boat, with my brother-in-law towing us around and trying to flip us like rag dolls always brought much joy and laughter, and also much pain and suffering the next day. We just love hanging out together.

My greatest blessing from my sister came during my cancer journey and subsequently the break up of my marriage. Wow, was she there for me in a big way. She took time off work, made sure I was always taken care of, and was my biggest cheerleader. She made many, many drives out here to Modesto to keep me company, listen, and be a shoulder to cry on. She was amazing.

When you are "not quite single" these relationships are so important, so it is with great sadness that I watch her move far away. Although I am sad for myself and my kids, I am happy for her and this next season of her life where she will be able to buy annoyingly loud toys for her grand kids, and fill them up with sugar and caffeine and then go home. A season when she again will be the life of the party for yet another set of kids, her own. So, I put away my sadness, and pull out my pompoms, and say "I am so excited for you". Chance and Audrey are blessed to have such a wonderful grandma as you. I will miss you and I love you.

-Your Sissy

Somewhere Down the Road

My purpose for blogging is therapy. It started after my cancer diagnosis and has not stopped since. Whenever I get overwhelmed or when feelings threaten I let my fingers go on the keyboard. The past couple weeks have been wrought with emotion, confusion and a sense of uneasiness. I know the cause, but I did not know exactly what to do about it.

I find that as I get older, I am more aware of rhythms in my life. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries all seem to hold more meaning for me lately in good and bad ways. So, as April 27th approached, I could feel my emotional state heightened. The anniversary of the discovery of my husband's affair. Mixed feelings threatened. Two years has passed, but it doesn't really feel like it sometimes. I still struggle with confusion about how I should feel, how I should act, and what steps I should take next. I was feeling as though I needed to take some kind of action, reach out maybe. I hate the feeling of the unknown. I don't like when I don't know what is going to happen next, nobody does really. It infringes upon our sense of control, and it screams the fact that we are not in control. I kept thinking about the word humility. Humility, really God? Why, I thought should I have to humble myself?

With an obedient heart I responded to His leading and reached out to my husband. And then there was freedom! Those pesky emotions that were bearing down were gone in an instant. There was a relief. My husband's response, although respectful and gentle, was still the same as it had been two years earlier, his position has not changed.

I still don't know what the future holds, but each time God speaks to me, and I obey, there is a richer sense somewhere deep within that it really will be okay.

I heard a song the other day; a blast from the past, with an extremely relevant message. God used it to minister to me that day, a healing balm on my raw emotional state.

Somewhere Down the Road 

So much pain and no good reason why
You've cried until the tears run dry
And nothing else can make you understand
The one thing that you held so dear
Is slipping from your hand
And you say

Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say

Somewhere down the road
There'll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Tho' we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road

Yesterday I thought I'd seen it all
I thought I'd climbed the highest wall
Now I see the learning never ends
And all I know to do is keep on walking
Walking 'round the bend singing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyyT7FRkTSs

If you are wondering what your future looks like, rest assured that your Heavenly Father knows, and He is walking with you every step of the way and with every tear, fear, and trouble, He is wrapping His mighty arms around you. Walk with Him!

Revenge is a dish best served never

I read a book called "Revenge of a Middle Aged Woman." It is a story about a forty something woman whose forty something husband tells her that he is having an affair with a twenty something woman he works with (sound familiar?). To top it off, this twenty something happens to be the wife's protegee and friend, ouch! The revenge in the story comes when the husband slowly comes to the conclusion that maybe he has made a mistake at exactly the same time his new woman finds out she is pregnant with twins. While the book had some funny antidotes, overall I found it to be very, very sad all the way around. I don't find any comfort or joy in revenge, especially when this so called revenge would impact the lives of so many. As I still grapple with my own story and frequently don't know what to do next or even how to feel sometimes, revenge isn't something that I have ever aspired toward. Our church is doing a 9 week series on marriage. 9 weeks! And, although I feel that the topic of marriage is of the utmost importance in the church, sometimes it is hard to sit through when you are in a state of being "not quite single." Today, for example, I watched online because we had family in from out of town, the pastor asked everyone who was married to stand up. I was glad to be watching from the comfort of my back yard so I didn't have to face that dilemma in front of hundreds of others. I have been in prayer about what to do during this 9 weeks time. My first thought was to leave the country for nine weeks and come back when it was all over, but, well, that just wasn't feasible at all. Next, I prayed and talked with God about attending elsewhere on Sunday mornings during this season, and last week that's what I did. I have a friend who is a pastor of a church here in Modesto and I worshipped there last week. God spoke as I knew He would. Since I was going to be home this week I thought the least I could do was watch online, and I was encouraged and discouraged. There have been so many broken marriages in our congregation recently that I am encouraged that our leadership is making marriage such a high priority, but it is also hard to hear from the point of view of one of those marriages that has failed. He shared many points about how to make your marriage great and I would like to consider these but then remember that there is a third party involved, and, well, that complicates things quite a bit. As I move forward each day, I will continue to rest in the hands of my Heavenly Father as I try and be the best "not quite single" I can be.

Clouded Joy

"To all who mourn in Israel, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning." Isaiah 61:3 This verse was aptly in my inbox this morning as an "encouraging" word. It was an encouraging word. I have had such a long stretch of joyous blessing that I was taken back a bit when I hit a wall of, well we'll just call it a funk. For the last two and a half days I have been in this funk, no energy, feeling negative and lonely. I didn't even want to get out of bed to go to church this morning and that is not me. As the time for church arrived, I decided that I should listen online. Anyone who has ever been in a moment like this knows that you fair better when you actually do get up, move around, do something, but you are battling inside yourself between what you know and how you feel. I made a compromise. I started watching in bed. Following the first song I did get up. I ate something and baked some muffins all the while listening online. I started to feel a little better, I knew I would. Rick's message points today: 1. Never give up. 2. Never give up. 3. Never give up. Hmm, interesting. Nehemiah never gave up, he wasn't side tracked, he knew what had to be done and he kept on it. This is what I want to do. I don't want to let this moment of yuckyness diswade me from my goals to live a joy filled life in Christ and to follow Him. I realize that my struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the enemy. So, as The service ended, I prayed. Father, please take away this veil that is clouding my joy and fill me with You. As I looked at the blank computer screen again I struggled with the thought that writing down my feelings could be cathartic but feeling like I don't really want to. The sun has started to break through the clouds outside and everything is brighter, and as I wrap up this post, I feel that The Lord has pierced the veil over me. I feel His light breaking through. I don't know if this is the end, but I know that He is faithful and even if this lasts a while longer, He is with me and He wants to turn my mourning to gladness. And, to finish Isaiah 61:3 "A garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

What's your status?

We had a married life event at our church last night. I didn't go to it. We will have a single life event there tonight.I won't go to that either. I'm still in that space in between. I have been forced to pick a status a few times recently on new doctor's office forms, applications, and even my grad school admissions. I still don't really know which to choose. Yesterday was the first time I was given the option "separated" so I took it. I felt like it was a step forward at least mentally. Over the past couple years I have met several woman who are on different spots of this married to divorced spectrum. Each has a story to tell. I know a couple women who have been separated for many years and barring their husbands filing, will probably never be divorced. I know a couple like me who are in that limbo of haven't yet decided whether or not to make that move ourselves or leave things be. And, I also know several women who went straight to divorce. It's such a personal decision, and I am learning that no one can really tell you which path to take. In the beginning I found myself making so many judgements about the decisions of others, but quickly realized that I had no right to make those judgements. God's Word is clear about divorce and the circumstances surrounding a believer's right to divorce. What isn't so clear is whether one should take advantage of those freedoms is a personal choice, and one that we should not judge. For now, I, personally, am content to be "not quite single".

Waiting on God

So, I'm reading a book by Priscilla Shrier called Discerning the Voice of God. She tells a story of a friend who is "experiencing God in a circumstance that seems about as hopeless as it possibly could." Oh, how I can relate to this. I have experienced God in a remarkable way through this set of seemingly hopeless circumstances, and yet I have found an immense amount of joy through the journey. She goes on to say, "If ever there was an innocent party in a divorce proceeding, she would qualify as one. Her husband, the last person in the world you'd anticipate being unfaithful to his wife, has followed one of Satan's favorite, most predictable lies-the illusion of adulterous satisfaction." Hmm, sound familiar? She writes, "Marcia, of course, has ample biblical grounds  to see it end, and she admits having days when she looks forward to being free of it all." I wish I could meet this woman because I think we would have a lot to talk about. The next paragraph is what really caught my attention. "Lately, as she pours her heart to God and listens for His response, He's been leading her to do something she's not really interested in doing. He's confirming that His will for her during this heart-wrenching season of life is to keep praying for her husband, believing for his return to their home and family." Wow, wow, and double wow. I can relate in part. I have felt very clearly that God wants me to continue praying for my husband, and I do often, but my prayers have been mostly for him to repent and return to God, to be convicted of his sin and to start walking with God, not necessarily to return to me. The reason why I want this is because he is still the father of my children, and I want my kids to have a dad that they can respect and look to as an example to follow, not an example of what not to do. I have received lots of advice from many well intentioned friends and acquaintances. I have been clearly given evidence from scripture that I can biblically and legally dissolve my marriage. I have been asked when I am going to file for divorce, and asked what am I waiting for. Well, I will answer that question in a word, God, that's what I'm waiting for. Like Marcia, I have not felt released from this marriage as of yet, and I don't presume to go before God and the plans He has for my life. Priscilla includes a quote from Marcia at the end of the story, she says, "I know if I keep on praying for him, not just wiping my hands of him, I will get to experience God in a way I never have before and may never have an opportunity to do so otherwise." Well said Marcia! I know that I can't go wrong being patient and waiting for direction from God. I know that this is counter to the way society thinks I should handle things and even some in the church, but I'm okay with that. The end may still be divorce in time, but at least I will know that I did everything that God asked me to do and followed Him along the way, and right now that is my first and only concern. I'm praising God through the storm!