Somewhere Down the Road

My purpose for blogging is therapy. It started after my cancer diagnosis and has not stopped since. Whenever I get overwhelmed or when feelings threaten I let my fingers go on the keyboard. The past couple weeks have been wrought with emotion, confusion and a sense of uneasiness. I know the cause, but I did not know exactly what to do about it.

I find that as I get older, I am more aware of rhythms in my life. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries all seem to hold more meaning for me lately in good and bad ways. So, as April 27th approached, I could feel my emotional state heightened. The anniversary of the discovery of my husband's affair. Mixed feelings threatened. Two years has passed, but it doesn't really feel like it sometimes. I still struggle with confusion about how I should feel, how I should act, and what steps I should take next. I was feeling as though I needed to take some kind of action, reach out maybe. I hate the feeling of the unknown. I don't like when I don't know what is going to happen next, nobody does really. It infringes upon our sense of control, and it screams the fact that we are not in control. I kept thinking about the word humility. Humility, really God? Why, I thought should I have to humble myself?

With an obedient heart I responded to His leading and reached out to my husband. And then there was freedom! Those pesky emotions that were bearing down were gone in an instant. There was a relief. My husband's response, although respectful and gentle, was still the same as it had been two years earlier, his position has not changed.

I still don't know what the future holds, but each time God speaks to me, and I obey, there is a richer sense somewhere deep within that it really will be okay.

I heard a song the other day; a blast from the past, with an extremely relevant message. God used it to minister to me that day, a healing balm on my raw emotional state.

Somewhere Down the Road 

So much pain and no good reason why
You've cried until the tears run dry
And nothing else can make you understand
The one thing that you held so dear
Is slipping from your hand
And you say

Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say

Somewhere down the road
There'll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Tho' we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road

Yesterday I thought I'd seen it all
I thought I'd climbed the highest wall
Now I see the learning never ends
And all I know to do is keep on walking
Walking 'round the bend singing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyyT7FRkTSs

If you are wondering what your future looks like, rest assured that your Heavenly Father knows, and He is walking with you every step of the way and with every tear, fear, and trouble, He is wrapping His mighty arms around you. Walk with Him!

Revenge is a dish best served never

I read a book called "Revenge of a Middle Aged Woman." It is a story about a forty something woman whose forty something husband tells her that he is having an affair with a twenty something woman he works with (sound familiar?). To top it off, this twenty something happens to be the wife's protegee and friend, ouch! The revenge in the story comes when the husband slowly comes to the conclusion that maybe he has made a mistake at exactly the same time his new woman finds out she is pregnant with twins. While the book had some funny antidotes, overall I found it to be very, very sad all the way around. I don't find any comfort or joy in revenge, especially when this so called revenge would impact the lives of so many. As I still grapple with my own story and frequently don't know what to do next or even how to feel sometimes, revenge isn't something that I have ever aspired toward. Our church is doing a 9 week series on marriage. 9 weeks! And, although I feel that the topic of marriage is of the utmost importance in the church, sometimes it is hard to sit through when you are in a state of being "not quite single." Today, for example, I watched online because we had family in from out of town, the pastor asked everyone who was married to stand up. I was glad to be watching from the comfort of my back yard so I didn't have to face that dilemma in front of hundreds of others. I have been in prayer about what to do during this 9 weeks time. My first thought was to leave the country for nine weeks and come back when it was all over, but, well, that just wasn't feasible at all. Next, I prayed and talked with God about attending elsewhere on Sunday mornings during this season, and last week that's what I did. I have a friend who is a pastor of a church here in Modesto and I worshipped there last week. God spoke as I knew He would. Since I was going to be home this week I thought the least I could do was watch online, and I was encouraged and discouraged. There have been so many broken marriages in our congregation recently that I am encouraged that our leadership is making marriage such a high priority, but it is also hard to hear from the point of view of one of those marriages that has failed. He shared many points about how to make your marriage great and I would like to consider these but then remember that there is a third party involved, and, well, that complicates things quite a bit. As I move forward each day, I will continue to rest in the hands of my Heavenly Father as I try and be the best "not quite single" I can be.